Topic: Rufas needs career counseling

[Rufas the Eccentric]

Sir Rupture Murdoc
“He Who Enlightens The Common People
Salzenmund

Dir Sir Rupture

I really do not see how you can blame me for your tax predicament.  You are no doubt aware that Lord M is a penny pinching old coot with his arm into everyone's business, and a high profiled acquisition of the Empire's premier business rag was bound to be noticed by his legion of lackeys.  So efficient is the Imperial Revenue Service (IRS), that many whisper that there are more then mere mortals involved.

I had thought to reject your proposals out of hand.  On first reading, I though you were requesting free access to Madame R's. extensive list of services.  But on rereading, I understand you merely wish to have some of your reporters "embedded" so to speak.  Perhaps an arrangement can be made in this regards.  Now be aware that this blackmail scheme journalistic opportunity would allow you to to earn substantial profits.  While I certainly would not stoop so low as to request a cut of these profits, a donation to a new charitable (that means non-profit, Midaski) organization, Madame Rosalita's Home for Wayward and Orphan Girls ("MRHWOG"), would certainly be in order and serve as an important tax deduction.  In addition, I can throw in a weekend pass at MRHD for your esteemed self.  The girls are equipped with the latest in magnifying glasses and can attend to your needs, no matter how small.

Hoping that you are otherwise well,

I remain.

Rufas of Nordland.   

[Rufas the Eccentric]

Lord Midaski
Press & Town Crier Ombudsman
Public Entertainment Censor
Imperial Chancellor
Khan of Erengrad
Treasurer to the Tsarina

Dear Town Crier Ombudsman

My, we do seem to be picking up additional titles lately.

I must admit to the obscure reference to Terri Hatcher was puzzling, and can only assume it refers to your longing to be a desperate housewife.  Otherwise, she is really far to young for you.  I would think that Margaret Thatcher would be more appropriate, assuming, of course, she goes for older fellows.

Alas, my attorneys paid a condolence call to the 4077th Field Hospital to personally collect some of my overdue legal bill.  My only consolation is that it deductible as a business expense.  It still leaves the issue of Otto & Max's trustworthiness in doubt.  Perhaps they could fulfill your desire to be a desperate housewife.

As always, your sparing partner,

Rufas of Nordland
currently recuperating
4077th Field Hospital
Drakwald Forest.

P.S.  Hot Lips would send her regards if she were not otherwise occupied.

[Midaski]

Switches off letter mode for deep sigh of disappointment


"Tomorrow Never Dies" - totally in context, but way over your shiny brow

James Bond - Press Mogul - World Domination - you have never seen that fur coat drop - I am now seriously worried - you ought to get out more.

[lonearcher]

I just read the "Clean the blood off" part...... uh..... call the alter "lucky" lol

And the cliffhanger at the end of the first one, nice

Seriously though you are a talented writer (maybe not book-style but this was certainly worth 5 minutes of work time)

um, you misspelled altar.

Can I light the candle?

[Wyzer1]

I just read the "Clean the blood off" part...... uh..... call the alter "lucky" lol

And the cliffhanger at the end of the first one, nice

Seriously though you are a talented writer (maybe not book-style but this was certainly worth 5 minutes of work time)

um, you misspelled altar.

Can I light the candle?

oh for craps sake...

That was back in May... way to bring that one up 

Alright, I'll make you a deal. I won't burn you at the stake for thinking a candle is an acceptable alternative to a torch if you drop the thread diving...

Thats also awefully close to threadomancy... postomancy??

[Rufas the Eccentric]

 

August 10th, 2523
On a beach near Miragliano, Tilea

Lord Midaski
Imperial Chancellor
Khan of Erengrad
Treasurer to the Tsarina
And many other titles too numerous to mention

My Dear Sir.

I just thought I would drop you a line from this warm sunny clime.  How are things in the Empire?  I expect it's raining again.  Following my exertions in the Drakwald, the constant work to revive a proper Inquisition, not to mention the commissioning of a Rutabaga and Tabasco 27 layer cake (How was it?  I hope you didn't choke) and the installation of the spawning pool at Madame Rosalita's, I felt the need for a  Holiday.  Still life is so hectic, that I can't get completely away from work.  Work work work, you know how it is.  Still seeing as I am scouting for fresh talent for Madame Rosalita's, life's not that difficult.  There is a benefit, as a business trip, all of my expenses qualify as tax deductions.

What you may ask will become of the finally honed Nordland Expeditionary Force in my absence?  I have left them under controll of my good friend, Johann Esmer, and I would expect them to be in battle tomorrow.  The popemobile* still not ready, but he has his war horse.  Provided of course that Biff does not kill Johann.  Skeeve will be with the Army and will do his best to keep the Ulricans and Sigmarites focused on the enemy to their front.

I almost wish you were here.  The young Tilean lasses would have quite a giggle seeing you in a speedo.  Speaking of Tilean lasses, one is bringing  another Margarita as we speak.

Ciao for now.

Your Favorate Nemesis,

Rufas

P.S. * Or does one call it a Walter?  It's so hard to keep up with modern slang.

P.P.S. Don't even try to get into Madame's R's in my absence.  They have instructions.  

[Wyzer1]

August 10th, 2523
P.S. * Or does one call it a Walter?  It's so hard to keep up with modern slang.

...  slang (barely acceptable) = Waltar ...

Too bad Rufas is exempt to Inquisitorial Law

[Rufas the Eccentric]

I was only asking in the form of a hypothetical question.  Still we must all be vigilant.  The winds of chaos are blowing.  They have blown this thread from the Imperial Office to the Elector's Forum, and on to the Count's Tavern.  Whoever is responsible must have truly sold their soul.

[Wyzer1]

Whoever is responsible must have truly sold their soul.

Heavily Edited quote from midaski (I just stripped out the "unimportant" words  ):

Midaski "Never Dies"

total World Domination - you have seen that. I am now serious. get out

[Rufas the Eccentric]

Altdorf, August 15, 2523

Peter von Sprecher
Order of Teclis, 1st Class with a Gold Star and a Smiley Face. 
College of Celestial Wizardry
Office of the Secretary for Wizardry Training & Advancement
Advancement Board

To Rufas of Nordland
Mage of the Celestial College
Order of Teclis, 3rd Class
Madame Rosalita's
Northwest Garrett
253 Rue de Red Light
Salzenmund Nordland
 
Dear Rufas.

You may remember (or would if not for all the red wine billed on your expense accounts), when you received the the appointment to the office of Wizard Lord 4th Level that said appointment was made on a provisional level.  With the end of the Campaign in the Drakwald and the departure of those Dwarven marauders, invaders, trespassers - uninvited guests, The Imperial Armies and the Colleges of Magic must, regretably, make cost reductions.  Well at least the reductions are regrettable, in most cases.

In your case, the falling of this axe brings me a measure of satisfaction only surpassed by my recent receipt of a Smiley Face from the Order of Teclis.
You must admit your contribution to the Nemesis Campaign left something to be desired.  Your reason provided for the delay in marching the Nordland Expeditionary Force to Auenwaldheim buggers the imagination.  I fail to see what vital intelligence could be possibly obtained from Frau Two Ton Sally, nor what you were doing with the Halfling lasses while waiting for TTS to loose weight.  I would suggest the next time you find yourself in such a predicament, try a little whale oil. 

Once freed from your self imposed imprisonment, you remained defending the town of Auenwaldheim even after it was clear the town would see little action.  All in all you report a meager five engagements.  You really should have stopped at four.  The fifth battle should be dismissed out of hand as pure fancy if it were not for the many graves of valiant Nordlanders brought back from the vicinity of the Monolith.  If I understand your report correctly, a force of Dark Elves and Khorne Daemonic Legion remaining undetected in the Drakwald since the Storm of Chaos concentrated their combined strength on your command, utterly ignoring your Dwarf allies.  Be that as it may, you still got your butt kicked and the disaster negates your meager victories.

I would be remiss if I did not take note of your activities since your return from the Drakwald.  Despite prior warnings you have yet again aligned your self with the Sigmarian Inquisition.  While fostering friendly ties between the Colleges of Magic and the Churches is a laudable goal, encouragement of the Inquisition is dangerous.  Many Witch Hunters consider all wizards to be worthy of the bonfire.  You should really watch your step.  Just misspell War Altar one time and it could be you on the fire.  Keep some marshmellows in your pocket just in case. 

One final note.  We have received numerous complaints from Lord Midaski concerning your creative accounting methods.  Now I do not mind the occasional tax doge and the College is certainly not in the business of enhancing Imperial revenue.  Still, the latest report from Lord M. is enough to make me blush.  It's not the taxes that has him in a fluster, but your life time ban from Madame R.'s  It seems he has a thing for TTS.  Perhaps to smooth relations between the two of you, Frau Sally could do outcalls.

In light of all of the above reasons, your Provisional title of Wizard Lord, 4th Level is hereby revoked.  You may retain the title of Brevet Wizard Lord for social functions, with out the use of the powers previously granted.  As an Interim measure, Johann Esmer, Vice Theoginist will assume command of the Nordland Expeditionary Force.  And of course should you find the time to make your way from M. Rosalita's, you can take the field at you earned level of Wizard of the Celestial College, 2nd level.  While you may continue to use your Rod of Power, Do not forget that it remains the property of the Celestial College.

Do not take this too hard.  It is common for there to be these type of cutbacks after a major conflict.  Should the situation arise and the should the College or Count Gausser find themselves in need of cannon fodder an experienced Lord, be assured that your name will be at the top of the list.
   
Your Humble & Obedient Servant

Peter von Sprecher
Order of Teclis, 1st Class with a Gold Star and a Smiley Face. 
College of Celestial Wizardry

P.S.  How is work going on the Spawning Pool at Madame R.'s?  The Celestial College has a strong interest in assuring good relations with our Skink colleagues.

[Rufas the Eccentric]

Evening falls upon Salzenmundas a Dwarven cart enters the gate.  Double teamed to pull it's 33 barrels, it rolls through the streets to Madame R's front door.  "You can go around back to the alley to unload", says the Pink Goblin.   "What about my payment?" Snarls the Dwarf as his companion points the crossbow towards the Gobo.  "Ah yes, well Larry Moe and Curely will take care of that."  "No, Ironmonger warned us of that trick, pay us here and now and your goons can unload."  "Oh, very well, but only cause I don't want to spoil Rufas' big day."

The caravan made its way over Axe Bite Pass loaded with cases of Reikland Riesling., Following the wagons, a squad from the famed Knights of the Order von Richthofen, a small troop of Nordland Swordsmen, and three hulking Ogres in three piece pinstriped suits.  At the head of the caravan was a stagecoach.  The sole passenger, a diminutive lady, dressed in pink, her face hidden by a pink vale. 

Stopping at each manor, the lady would have a whispered conversation with the Steward and more cases of wine were added to the wagons.  Most accepted without question script signed by the famed Lord Midaski, Imperial Chancellor and rumored to be one of the richest men in the Empire.  Those that balked were persuaded by the Ogres eloquent legal reasoning. 

The Caravan made its way, northeast toward Guisoreaux and then southwest to Bordeleaux.  At dock in the port, they loaded the cargo of wine, wagons, stagecoach and the knight’s horses as well as doubling their cargo of wine with additions from Tilea and Estalia.  The Ogres pressed Lord Midaski’s script in to the hands of the Harbor Master.  Perhaps he would have looked more closely had he not been distracted by a flash of green as the diminutive pink lady ascended the gang plank.  Only later when the ship cleared the headlands and an unusually strong westerly hit making it impossible to clear the harbor, did he stop to examine the script.  He felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his belly as he was sure that whatever his faults might be, Lord Midaski would not sign his script with a pink crayon. 

[Wyzer1]

Meh, I had a nice reply and everything made and then it went kap00t when I posted another thing seconds earlier... bah

Well, thanks for posting that it was really funny and I enjoyed reading it. I had to read it twice to understand it but I got it 

By "Big-day" do you mean your birthday is coming up? If so when it is, and what is your address so we can send you a proper present     er, wrong smiley  ... I meant 

Or is it something else? Either way Ill help you celebrate by getting plastered and throwing stuff

[Midaski]

 

[Wyzer1]

You know whats funny Midaski, I hit "See Previous Posts" on your profile, and noticed that every single one except 1 had the  smiley in them 

[Midaski]

You know whats funny Midaski, I hit "See Previous Posts" on your profile, and noticed that every single one except 1 had the  smiley in them 

You see Wyzer1 this is why you and your sort will always be on my leash.

You have no concept of the power of marketing and subliminal suggestion - members identify that 'angel' icon with me and make the associations with my angelic and benevolent nature.

You were obviously not around during our campaign, when a certain reputation for propaganda was achieved, and you have not learnt about the prime rule of "Divide and Conquer" that has been so evident so far in the Inquisition's short life.

I have to say I am also disappointed with the hasty and laughable appointment of your PR lackey.
 

[Wyzer1]

You know whats funny Midaski, I hit "See Previous Posts" on your profile, and noticed that every single one except 1 had the  smiley in them 

You see Wyzer1 this is why you and your sort will always be on my leash.

You have no concept of the power of marketing and subliminal suggestion - members identify that 'angel' icon with me and make the associations with my angelic and benevolent nature.

Sure we do, but our belief is that the Inquisition (much akin to the 40k Inquisition) prefers to use blunt tactics to achieve our goals, for isn't the prime tactic if Tzeentch sublty and tact?

You were obviously not around during our campaign, when a certain reputation for propaganda was achieved, and you have not learnt about the prime rule of "Divide and Conquer" that has been so evident so far in the Inquisition's short life.

Hmm, I didn't understand any of that    And we are a young organization. You see fair Midaski, our difference is we have time to evolve and grow    Everyone starts timid and fresh, and makes mistakes so they can grow into the teen years, where they are rash and make the wrong choices, then into an adult where they becomes over-confident and at least make better decisions (sometimes) and then into old-age, where they get on forumns and call people yipper-snappers and make sarcastic comments 

I have to say I am also disappointed with the hasty and laughable appointment of your PR lackey.
 

ppffftt... He hasn't even done anything yet?! Hasty? Not quite... Laughable?    We'll see, perhaps in time Helblaster might amuse horrify surprise us

[Midaski]

I have to say I am also disappointed with the hasty and laughable appointment of your PR lackey.
 

ppffftt... He hasn't even done anything yet?! Hasty? Not quite... Laughable?    We'll see, perhaps in time Helblaster might amuse horrify surprise us

Hasty? As in first applicant and you almost begging him to accept.

I just wonder if any other Inquisitors may have been interested in the role, and now are feeling jealous and resentful, and plotting your assassination or a coup.

 

[lonearcher]

Well, as I was putting the finishing touches to my resumé (it takes time counting the number of heretics one burns over the course of an afternoon Crusade), I noticed Hellblaster snuck in and got the job.

I wonder if nepotism didn’t come into the selection process …

[Wyzer1]

I have to say I am also disappointed with the hasty and laughable appointment of your PR lackey.
 

ppffftt... He hasn't even done anything yet?! Hasty? Not quite... Laughable?    We'll see, perhaps in time Helblaster might amuse horrify surprise us

Hasty? As in first applicant and you almost begging him to accept.

Now hang on there ye old fart Midaski, its the Public Relations Branch of the Inquisition, so if anyone wants to apply they become: "Public Relations Inquisitor of Care and Karma" He was just our first applicant and I admired his ... uh ... fervor

Plus there aren't very many people who apply to the Inquisition; he disbanded the horribly short-lived "Anti-Lector" party and this was a way to gain another member in our evil society society of justice!

EDIT: So lonearcher, are you serious or just giving Midaski credit? 

I just wonder if any other Inquisitors may have been interested in the role, and now are feeling jealous and resentful, and plotting your assassination or a coup.

 

Bah, its got to be the most fun job in the Empire! Why would they assassinate me? Its sort of like being in the Reik SS. You have a good job, immunity from Inquisitorial scrutiny, a strong financial backing just incase the Evil Tax Collector comes a knocking, support from a trio of very convincing ogres in case negotiations at the local food shack get out of hand and some of the best acronyms the Empire can come up with! Why would they get rid of the leader who gave them this awesome oppurtunty! The only threats come from outside the organization (what was that acronym I came up with... Ill find it and post it in a minute...)

EDIT: I found it! It was:

Midaski = The "Instrument in Killing the System And Denouncing the Inquisitorial Meaning"

[HoS]

Despite the Venerable Lord Midaski's offensive remarks towards I, the head Public Relations Inquisitor of Care and Karma, I feel no ill-will towards him whatsoever. As far as teh S.H.I.T is concerned, Lord Midaski is the perfect antagonist to our organization that keeps the Inquisitors fired up about their jobs, and I personally believe he is simply playing Tzeentch's advocate here in his opposition of teh S.H.I.T.

I am most certain that he feels no ill-will towards us, and is simply seeking to strengthen us through adversity. I am deeply grateful for his cooperation that must be costing him quite a lot of loss of public credit, as he cannot take the credit for his accomplishments. I hope that he lives long and has an illustrious career (or at least, continuation of an already very long and illustrious career), and I personally feel it would be a huge loss both to teh S.H.I.T, and to W-E.com if he were to suddenly suffer a fatal heart-attack, be accidently killed during a visit to Madame R's, or mistaken for someone else and publicly burned. Any or all of those happenstances would be absolutley horrific.

[Rufas the Eccentric]

From Chancellor Guillaume le Courageux
In Service To:
King Louen Leoncoeur
Message via Sir Mongo the Insane

To His most Serene Lord Midaski
Imperial Chancellor
Khan of Erengrad
Treasurer to the Tsarina

My Dear Lord Midaski

It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance at the annual convention for the Association of Counselors, Chancellors, Chamberlains, Chambermaids, and Chamberpots.  I still get a chuckle over that thing you do with the lampshade.  But I think I speak for all, that when you attempted to convince the Chamberlain of Miragliano to perform the same stunt with a chamberpot, it would have been best to see that it was empty before hand. 

However, I write on a more serious matter.  A while back a caravan crossed the Axebite Pass and proceeded through the countryside purchasing only the finest and most exquisite of wines.  These wines were obtained using script purporting to be from your esteemed self.  Even the most inbred of our peasentry, has heard of the fabled wealth Lord Midaski.  There was some reluctance at some manor houses, as the knights had all headed off to the north to deal with an infestation of a new tribe of Goblins dressed in pink robes.  The chamberlains of the manors, were not up to arguing with three large and well armed Ogres, attempting to explain the legalities of Imperial Script, signed they said, by Lord Midaski. The entire matter was brought to my attention only after the Caravan embarked on a ship to sail to Marrienburg (or so they say). 

Now here is the rub.  I have examined this so called script and it is clearly a forgery.  I still have a copy of the promissory note you signed when I covered your bar bill at the ACCCCC convention.  However, you must understand, literacy, even among the nobility of this fair land, is not a widespread art.  The knights of the affected manors have returned from their fruitless pursuit of the Pink Goblins.  They are not in a good mood as many of their steeds are lame and had to be carried home by the serf levy's. 

All that these annoyed Knights can be made to understand by their chamberlains is that their best wine was exchanged for a promise of Lord Midaski's gold.  It has been all that the King and I (Hey! That sounds like the title for a great musical.) can do to restrain them.  We are talking about a thousand cases of wine at five hundred GP a case (it is the very best after all), plus 1000 GP for your bar bill.  Now, I know it is not just for us to ask you to honor this forged script, but it is your future health that concerns us the most.  You do not want over 500 knights of  the realm traveling into the Empire, or even Kislev, seeking to wet their lances with your blood.  Anyway, we all know that the  501,000 GP  is merely chump change for one so fabulously wealthy as yourself. The only thing to do, if you want to sleep peacefully, is to transfer the funds to Sir Mongo promptly.  You will understand of course, that under the present circumstances, checks are not acceptable.

I hope that we can soon put this unpleasant situation behind us.  I so enjoyed your presentation "The Benefits and Pleasures of Graft, and How Not to Get Caught" at last years convention.  I hear that next year's is to be held at Madame Rosalita's in Salzenmund.  I hope to see you there, if you are still alive!

Your True Friend,

Lord Guillaume

Lord M:

From Q

Maasster, I obeyed your instructionz and crept into the cellars of Madame R's via the sewers.  As you expected, the kegs of beer and cases of vine were stored in the cellar along with many blocks of cheese with elf markins (Ahhhh Cheese, vonderbar cheese).  Unfortunately, workmen came and I had to hide in the privy.  They removed all the goods, and after using said privy, left.  However, I heard them say that the goods were going to Rufas' country estate to be used as soon as the Server is fixed.  I trust this intelligence is useful.  Can I please have my Warpstone now? 

Q.

[McKnight]

Hahaha great stuff Rufas. I guess we can expect some tax raises if Midaski is going to pay those bills...
I wonder who Q is.... Cough* queek *cough*

[Midaski]

To Chancellor Guillaume le Courageux
In Service To:
King Louen Leoncoeur
Return Message via Sir Mongo the Insane


Mon Cher Guillaume,

Comment ca va?

It has been too long since we have supped wine together, and from the tidings Mungo brings me, it is unlikely to happen in the near future – certainly in your domain, mon ami.

Your compatriots never cease to amaze me. Were they not suspicious of a caravan with no ‘Caravan Club’ stickers on the horses rumps?
These knights of the various Manors, I suppose they included Conrad the Conned, and Donal the Duped?

I am somewhat perplexed too at their chamberlains – mine would not have parted with one single bottle without receipt of actual gold coin, as they know to do so would mean they would be parted from a couple of round things of their own on my return.

Anyway I am indeed aware of this fraudulent act as my sources in Marienburg reported the arrival of the vessel. The villains responsible obviously thought that arriving safely at the dock meant that they had got away with their crime – however that sort of high quality cargo was bound to attract attention, and even more so during the trip to Salzenmund, and its arrival at a rather sleazy second rate dive in the Rue de Red Light.

Be assured, my Excise Officers will be taking action in the very near future, and we have the bordello staked out. The Ogres and the Pink Goblin are regular visitors, but we are just waiting for the head of the gang to appear at the premises before moving in.
It is our belief that their leader is a certain wandering Wizard who has little regard for the normal rules of society. Indeed he seems to chase favour and patronage from all and sundry and even the Colleges of Magic and the Count of Nordland have fallen foul of his scams and skulduggery. He has even taken to conspiring with a certain disgraced ex-theoginist inside the walls of Marienburg, and the rumours of their debauchery in the said bordello even embarrass a man of the world like my good self.

In conclusion, mon bon chevalier, I shall endeavour to retrieve such goods as remain unsullied, but my primary objective is to net the whole sorry band, which I shall not abandon for a few bottles of plonk, even if it is the finest Bretonnia has to offer.
Any contraband discovered by my investigators will of course have to be held as evidence pending the completion of the subsequent trials – some sampling of the evidence will of course also be necessary to ensure that the liquid within each bottle is in fact the original product.

You will of course be welcome to the cheese. I do find it strange that such cunning rogues could be so easily duped themselves into believing that Ulthuan cheese is of any gastronomic value – now that salesman I would like to meet.

Please extend my personal greetings and felicitations to Louen, and my regrets that he has to suffer the whinging of his knights. As we discussed at the ACCCCC convention, the feudal system does not produce the brightest sparks on the estate management side, and maybe Louen will have to firmly tell his vassals that they only have themselves to blame.
Let’s face it, they will not get any blessing for this sort of crusade, I mean she’s not called The Lady of the Wine Lake, is she?

Lord Midaski
Imperial Chancellor
Khan of Erengrad
Treasurer to the Tsarina