Author Topic: Mainly Sexist jokes (Read 85175 times)

Calisson · « **Reply #1225 on:** September 19, 2013, 06:00:51 AM »

"When the Red River is in flood, do not hesitate to take the muddy trail."
(Old Chinese popular saying).

(hint: not intended for people under age)

Midaski · « **Reply #1226 on:** September 20, 2013, 09:13:03 AM »

The Seven Kinds Of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are both blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month ... but not enough to live on.

Midaski · « **Reply #1227 on:** September 21, 2013, 01:01:56 PM »

American Football and a blonde.........

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first american football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldnít understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo?

It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Midaski · « **Reply #1228 on:** September 24, 2013, 09:46:48 AM »

Lawyer joke no: 2180

A comely redhead was dazzled by her lawyer's skill and virtuosity, not to mention his large income and good looks.
By the time she obtained her divorce she had fallen in love with him, even though he was married.

At the conclusion of the trial, she asked him, "Howard, is there any way we can be together?"

Holding her shoulders, Howard looked deep into her eyes and said, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars at the edge of town? Lying phone calls? Hurried rendezvous in sordid motel rooms? Is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no, I guess not," she sobbed, heartbroken.

"Oh," said her attorney. "Well, it was merely a suggestion!"

Midaski · « **Reply #1229 on:** September 27, 2013, 09:45:43 AM »

Genius in action

All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140.

At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly, here was a perfect Mensa challenge!

They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..."

"Oh, sorry!" interrupted the blonde waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

theorox · « **Reply #1230 on:** September 28, 2013, 05:50:34 PM »

I like those a lot Midaski.

Here's one:

A blonde drops off her black evening gown at the dry cleaners and as she leaves the establishment the female clerk says to her "come again!". She turns around red-faced and viciously exclaims: "Actually, it's toothpaste this time you nosy bitch!"

Theo

BAWTRM · « **Reply #1231 on:** September 30, 2013, 09:32:53 AM »

Good one theorox!

Midaski · « **Reply #1232 on:** October 01, 2013, 08:42:09 AM »

Feelings of inadequacy?
Shyness?
Wish you were more assertive?

Ask your doctor about TequilaÆ, the natural way to feel more confident.

TequilaÆ will ease you out of shyness and tell the world that you're willing to do anything.
And TequilaÆ works almost immediately.
With a regimen of regular doses, shyness and awkwardness become a thing of the past and you'll discover talents you never knew you had.

WARNING: TequilaÆ may not be right for everyone.
Pregnant and nursing women should not use TequilaÆ although women who want to become pregnant should give it a try.

Side effects include dizziness, nausea, incarceration, erotic lust, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration, dry mouth, a desire to sing karaoke, and may lead to all-night bouts of truth or dare, strip poker, or naked twister.

"Tequila: Leave shyness behind"

Midaski · « **Reply #1233 on:** October 03, 2013, 06:51:37 PM »

My wife asked me to cut back on expenses, so I gave up drinking beer. I wasn't a big drinker anyway.

Then I found a receipt for $45 for makeup.
"Wait a minute!" I said to my wife. "I gave up beer; you haven't given up anything!"

"I buy makeup so I look pretty for you," she replied.

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" ...

I don't think she'll be back.

Fidelis von Sigmaringen · « **Reply #1234 on:** October 03, 2013, 07:58:10 PM »

Haven't we heard this one before?

Midaski · « **Reply #1235 on:** October 04, 2013, 07:40:22 AM »

After 50 pages - probably ......... and maybe this one too.

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the TV.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "the season's more than half over."

Midaski · « **Reply #1236 on:** October 09, 2013, 07:08:03 PM »

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' ?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact t that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

"Now what the hell would you say?!"

BAWTRM · « **Reply #1237 on:** October 10, 2013, 08:45:45 AM »

Good one Midaski!

Midaski · « **Reply #1238 on:** October 10, 2013, 09:25:25 AM »

A CORK ( that's in Ireland for all you geographically challenged americans ) radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet that could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense.
The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan ... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee ... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

theorox · « **Reply #1239 on:** October 11, 2013, 07:29:51 PM »

Quote from: Midaski on October 10, 2013, 09:25:25 AM

A CORK ( that's in Ireland for all you geographically challenged americans ) radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet that could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense.
The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan ... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee ... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

That's fantastic, totally stealing that!

Theo

Midaski · « **Reply #1240 on:** October 14, 2013, 08:31:51 PM »

A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (pick an appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked the driver?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!" yelled the driver.

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.........

Midaski · « **Reply #1241 on:** October 16, 2013, 09:15:57 AM »

1. Marriage

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" -- Rita Rudner

2. Fidelity

"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." -- Scott Ostler

3. Obsession

"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." -- Unknown

Perambulator · « **Reply #1242 on:** October 16, 2013, 03:35:34 PM »

Quote from: theorox on October 11, 2013, 07:29:51 PM

Quote from: Midaski on October 10, 2013, 09:25:25 AM

A CORK ( that's in Ireland for all you geographically challenged americans ) radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet that could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense.
The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan ... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee ... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

That's fantastic, totally stealing that!

Theo

So, umm, I'm Goan - from Goa. It's the name of State in India that was controlled by the Portuguese until 1961ish when India invaded it and annexed it into statehood.

warhammerlord_soth · « **Reply #1243 on:** October 16, 2013, 04:10:29 PM »

So, Goan, fuck yourself !

Perambulator · « **Reply #1244 on:** October 16, 2013, 05:18:43 PM »

Quote from: warhammerlord_soth on October 16, 2013, 04:10:29 PM

So, Goan, fuck yourself !

Much better!

Midaski · « **Reply #1245 on:** October 17, 2013, 09:04:40 AM »

Bloody Lawyers .......................................

More Zen Thinking

1. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

3. Don't worry.... it only seems kinky the first time.

4. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

5. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Midaski · « **Reply #1246 on:** October 21, 2013, 09:00:51 AM »

Worrying Fact No: 3487

Q. You know what they call the person who finishes last in medical school?
A. "Doctor!"

* * * * * * * *

A husband had long dreamed of taking a trip to Alaska.
He told his wife how great it would be to stay in a log cabin with no electricity, to hunt moose, and to drive a dog team instead of a car.
"Honey," he asked his wife, "if we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?"

"You!" she replied.

* * * * * * * *

A nightclub owner had to fire his drummer when he caught him stealing, so he called the musicians union to hire a replacement.
"What happened to the drummer you had?" asked the union hall secretary.
"I had him arrested," replied the nightclub owner.

The secretary paused, then quietly asked, "Just how badly did he play?"

Realjuan · « **Reply #1247 on:** October 22, 2013, 09:45:09 AM »

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!“

Midaski · « **Reply #1248 on:** October 22, 2013, 06:47:26 PM »

Blonde Joke No: 6582

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The Artificial Insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

The farmer then leaves for the fields, and a while later, the Artificial Insemination man arrives.

Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"
Terribly impressed by what seemed to be such a dizzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"By the nail over it's stall," explains Amy.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on."

zifnab0 · « **Reply #1249 on:** October 22, 2013, 07:15:47 PM »

Did you know you can buy whole and sterilized bull semen?

Regular and de-calf.

News:

Author Topic: Mainly Sexist jokes (Read 85175 times)