Topic: Sigmarite Holy Inquisitiorial Tabernacle - The Legend

[Wyzer1]

We have a problem, my good inquisitors. Every time we point out heretical actions, and get ready to bring out the kindling, somebody ALWAYS steps in and saves them... Have you seen our list of people who we have burnt? None!?

Some may argue they do it out of the good of their hearts, but I believe it to be deeper than that. I think that its part of a larger plot to undermine the grand work of the inquisition and save the heretics so they can strike again

I propose we burn all the defense lawers as well as the defendants!

p.s. I thought you would enjoy the mod on mod action:

Its not a problem with my mind, it's just the fact that I've been up for 22 hours straight. Ugh..

Was I the only one who read this and thought Viagra. 

* Grutch runs into the vaults looking for his runefang.

"You better start running Midaski!"

lol, pictures one old guy chasing another old guy with a large glowing sword... good times

[Ostermarker]

I hearby use precedent:
the case of the crown versus Edmund Blackadder:

"Who will defend the accused and thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake as a partner in Satan if the accused is found guilty?" 

[Rufas the Eccentric]

Every time we point out heretical actions, and get ready to bring out the kindling, somebody ALWAYS steps in and saves them...

Its not a problem with my mind, it's just the fact that I've been up for 22 hours straight. Ugh..

Was I the only one who read this and thought Viagra. 

* Grutch runs into the vaults looking for his runefang.

"You better start running Midaski!"

lol, pictures one old guy chasing another old guy with a large glowing sword... good times

Oh, how the mighty have fallen!  Merely weeks ago, Lord Midaski was the Emperors most trusted adviser, and now he runs the risk of getting an extremely close shave courtesy of the Runefang.  

It has been established recently that our beloved Emperor is not  in fact an "old guy"  Needless to say, Lord Midaski is the personification of "old guyness".  Does anyone want to take bets on how long it will that Grutch to catch Midaski?

Getting to Wyzer's other point:  It is indeed the case that there has been a lack of any truly satisfactory burnings, but this latest part of the Inquisition is merely in the start up phase.  Once people are aware of the dangers, there will be no reason to show mercy.

Using the most recent moderator flare up as an example, one can argue that Lord Midaski's comment was not a reference to the Emperor's performance (which according to the girls at Madame R's has always been amazing), but rather a sad reflection on Lord M's need for the vile substance to get anything accomplished with Frau Two Ton Sally*.  I would hope that the Emperor would see fit to show mercy on the elderly.  Still he should check the the Imperial expense accounts to insure that Lord M is neither charging the fees for the little blue pill nor Frau TTS' considerable expenses to the Imperial Treasury.    

* see the Career Counseling thread  

[Rufas the Eccentric]

Excuse me, where can I buy some indulgences?

My Dear Lord FVC;

Do not be fooled by other pale imitations of Indulgences, designed to trick the unwary.  Only I have the best of both Sigmarian Indulgences signed by Johann Esmer, Vice Theoginist (not Theoginist in charge of Vice as some would have it), and Ulrican Indulgences signed by Biff Huss, Luthor's twin brother.  These fine items can be purchased at Madame Rosalita's 253 Rue de Red Light, in Salzenmund.  For a limited time only, you will receive a ten percent discount, upon purchase of both Indulgences.  Madame R. can cater even to your "unusual" tastes, provided certain precautions are taken.  Referencing some of your letters from earlier this summer, you need all of the Indulgences you can get.

Cordially Yours

Rufas the E.

[Vivendi]

Dear Inquisitors,
I'm only a captain of a mercenary company, but I think that I have found a case of spitting mud on the honour of the empire, which I serve with everything I have at my disposal.
http://www.warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php?topic=17568.0

I hope that you wise men can say, do I need to burn this men or let him go.

Most Honorable
Vivendi Novogord
Captain of the Wacken Company.

[Veldemere]

If I may be so bold, as Solland are now paying for the outlandish uniforms of the inquisition, are we making a mistake in trying to torch members of our own forum. The dwarves (oathbreakers or not) have their own acronym (PIOFT or something) maybe we should have our own acronym (BBMOEI burned by a member of the Empire Inquisition) that we can use on other forums. What better way to build fear and support than by ignorance and fear.

If Wyzer can come up with an acronym and all users of other forums try to viraly spread it we can truly build support and fealty.

[Wyzer1]

IGBBTIAAIGWTLT   I got burnt by the inquisition and all I got was this lousy t-shirt?

lol

Not too bad an idea...

[Ostermarker]

BBDTGTCB:

Been burnt, done that, got the char burns

[FVC]

My Dear Lord FVC;

Do not be fooled by other pale imitations of Indulgences, designed to trick the unwary.  Only I have the best of both Sigmarian Indulgences signed by Johann Esmer, Vice Theoginist (not Theoginist in charge of Vice as some would have it), and Ulrican Indulgences signed by Biff Huss, Luthor's twin brother.  These fine items can be purchased at Madame Rosalita's 253 Rue de Red Light, in Salzenmund.  For a limited time only, you will receive a ten percent discount, upon purchase of both Indulgences.  Madame R. can cater even to your "unusual" tastes, provided certain precautions are taken.  Referencing some of your letters from earlier this summer, you need all of the Indulgences you can get.

Cordially Yours

Rufas the E.

Most esteemed inquisitor Rufas,
(Who is possessed of such great and profound wisdom that he could never conceivably accuse an innocent such as I of heinous crimes such as threadomancy)

While the services of Madame Rosalita may be an indulgence in the strict sense of the word, it is probably not the type that allows for forgiveness of sin. Indeed, it is in great part a base and sinful indulgence, with those that take part in it condemning themselves to eternal damnation, so anathemic is it to the word of Sigmar. As it is surely impossible that a revered inquisitor of Sigmar such as yourself would be promoting hedonism, I must conclude that this is a test designed to root out those of a heretical disposition, who would be tempted to make use of such services.

On the other hand, you cite my two previous letters as evidence, failing to recall your own messages in that exchange. It is not difficult for one to remember that you did promote the services of this Rosalita quite vigorously. You may refer to the apparent vampirism displayed in my letters, but I would refer you to the case of Lord Marullus of Stirland, as demonstration of the fact that appearances need not always be true. I was, in a word, pretending. As proof, I would be honoured if you joined me for drinks in my secluded villa in the Grey Mountains. Be sure to bring a coat, as thunderstorms and lightning strikes are common... though regrettably they have yet to drive away the bats.

With respect, I think I shall buy my indulgences from a different church. I hear Taal is quite popular these days.

Kind regards,

Frederick v. C.

[Guvnor]

What if the inquistition doesn't recognise the worship of taal as a good religion... it is suspiciously close, by way of worshipping beasts in dark forests, to the foul beastmen.

Taal= Standing Stones. Beasts= Standing Stones (monolith)
Taal= animal based. Beasts= animal based
Taal= hate of civilisation. Beasts= hate of civilisation.

This sounds like another cover up- FVC is simply a foul, chaos worshipping bray-shaman, whose name probably stands for 'feeling very chaotic' or some other blashphemous utterance.

Burn! Burn! Burn! 

P.S. Rufas- it probably should be 'Rot Licht Strasse'.

[FVC]

You don't want to antagonise the Cult of Taal, Guvnor. You're not dealing with frozen-brained Ulricans here. The last time the Church of Sigmar went head to head with that of Taal, the Taalites presented evidence that Sigmar's not a god, won a decisive battle at the river Talabec (itself sacred to the Lord Taal), and plunged the Empire into a civil war that raged for almost an entire millennium (1360-2302).

You might want to think what you're getting into before you declare Taal-worship to be heretical. You burn people at the stake, the priests of Taal used to nail people to oak trees. I'm betting you'll run out of stakes before I run out of trees.

[Ostermarker]

Not if we use oak wood for stakes!   

But FVC has a point, if we deem worship of Taal to be heretical the entire north would be heetical along with most of Kislev, and quite a bit of the south.

[FVC]

Not if we use oak wood for stakes!

Oh no! What are you going to do, set fire to the tree I've nailed you to?

[Ostermarker]

A worthy sacrifice 

[Guvnor]

I'm not deeming the cult of taal heretical. I love taal. Taal is great.  See- green smiley. Green = cool with Taal. 

However, Mr FVC, with previous record of suspicion for devious activities, your sudden conversion becomes suspect- do you really believe in taal? Unlikely. You are using a less-regulated religion to hide your heretical, blaphemous and morally evil devil-worshipping behaviour.

I'm sure that with the hammer test, or the drowning test, or even the simple thumbscrew you will confess to the multitude of despicable crimes currently outstanding on display* at public locations** requiring immediate investigation*** by the inquisition.

Footnotes.
*Display is taken to mean exhibited on a wall
** The location is Mme Rosalitas, behind the toilet, in the locked vault underneath the mutant-rat-infested cellar, guarded by the inquisitorial lawyers**** fronted by the door marked "Do not enter under Pain of Pain. Beware of Vampires, Ogres, Skaven and Midaski."
*** As soon as the first case, of the missing alcohol (believed to be devilishly enchanted) stolen from Mr Bugman's LXXXXXXZXXXX cellar and the necessary disposal when found, is solved. Named 'Operation Hic'.
****Mr Rufas has details. If not- find Larry and Moe.

[Rufas the Eccentric]

Dear Inquisitors,
I'm only a captain of a mercenary company, but I think that I have found a case of spitting mud on the honour of the empire, which I serve with everything I have at my disposal.
http://www.warhammer-empire.com/theforum/index.php?topic=17568.0

I hope that you wise men can say, do I need to burn this men or let him go.

Most Honorable
Vivendi Novogord
Captain of the Wacken Company.

Dear Sir Vivendi: 

Your report has been received with great interest.  However, we can not blame Dendo for the sins of his spouse (well we could but we have our hands full at the time).  Although Frau Star has appeared on this forum from time to time,  we may not have the jurisdiction to reach her.  Therefore, the only practical solution is to order Herr Star to burn his living impaired wife himself.  I can provide the marshmellows if Dendo is out.  We will expect proof of the burning.  I hope he doesn't forget the stake though her heart first.

We greatly appreciate the assistance of all concerned citizens of the Empire.  Remember: The Emperor needs you to spy on your neighbor.

Have a nice day 

Rufas

[Rufas the Eccentric]

Sir FVC
Most likely to be found in a coffin
Somewhere in Sylvania:

I have enclosed a Rowen wood stake along with instructions on where you can stick it.  I hope you do not think that my anger has anything to do with your desire to forsake my high quality Sigmarian and Ulrican Indulgences in order to buy a cheep knock off from the priests of Taal.  As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of sinners on the Forum.

However, I must insist that you cease casting aspersions on the fine ladies of Madame Rosalita's.  While I have indicated that they cater to every taste, Madame Rosalita draws the line at anything even remotely risque.  A typical evening generally consists of gentlemen lounging around in one of the  rooms playing pinochle or bridge followed by a dinner of fine Cathayan food and a game of Charades.  Willie, the cross dressing Wood Elf sings old Simon and Garfunkel hits and occasionally recites stories by David Sedaris.  The trained seal does amazing tricks with a beach ball in exchange for herring.  For a bit extra, the girls will tickle the customers but that's as racy as it gets.  To end the evening, Two Ton Sally sings an operatic number, because as we all know, it ain't over till the Fat Dwarf Lady sings.  After that, a hug good night and it's off to bed.  

I am surprised that you or anyone else on this forum could have ever considered Madame R's. to be anything more than a Gentlemen's Club of the highest quality.  My gods man, don't you know there are minors on this forum? Do you think I would ever take part in an establishment that could corrupt their morals?  (Well I could, but thats beside the point.)  The only thing that is ever so slightly racy is the spawning pool, but I really don't concern myself with what goes on between consenting Skinks.

Your comments have deeply offended Madame Rosalita, Willie, Two Ton Sally, the Seal, and all of the Girls.   They were looking forward to your visit and were planning a skit based on the novels by Anne Rice in your honor.  However, you can now consider yourself to be only the third on the list of the Banned.

Other than that I trust you are doing well

Rufas the E.

P.S.  Just in case the instructions are not clear, the Rowen wood stake  is for your cold unbeating heart.

[Wyzer1]

oh... lame (lol)

maybe I should take out that little thing in my signature...

[Rufas the Eccentric]

I went to Madam Rosalitas and all I got was this pain when I pee.

Yes you should.  Your condition obvioulsy was obtained in a less reputable establishment.  However, buying an Indulgence or two might cure it.  (It can't hurt).

[Wyzer1]

I went to Madam Rosalitas and all I got was this pain when I pee.

Yes you should.  Your condition obvioulsy was obtained in a less reputable establishment.  However, buying an Indulgence or two might cure it.  (It can't hurt).

meh, being the head of the inquisition do I get free indulgences? a discount, perhaps? Our fundings a little low, that "get rich quick" thing turned out to be a scam (its ok, the guy responsible is ... uh, "on vacation")

[Rufas the Eccentric]

I'll give both the Sigmarian and Ulrican Indulgences for the price of one and throw in a ticket for Madame R's.  Willie is going to be reading the Santaland Diaries tonight.

[FVC]

However, Mr FVC, with previous record of suspicion for devious activities, your sudden conversion becomes suspect- do you really believe in taal? Unlikely. You are using a less-regulated religion to hide your heretical, blaphemous and morally evil devil-worshipping behaviour.

I'm sure that with the hammer test, or the drowning test, or even the simple thumbscrew you will confess to the multitude of despicable crimes currently outstanding on display* at public locations** requiring immediate investigation*** by the inquisition.

You wound me with your accusations, Sir Guvnor. I shall gladly submit to the hammer test or the drowning test to prove my innocence, or even both simultaneously.

'Cause, you know, vampires don't tire nor do they need to breathe.

[Veldemere]

Hmmm FVC, would that be mr F Von Carstein?

Welcome to Mr Wyzers house, you will find him in the dungeon cellar, off you go.

[Shadowwolf]

Or, more likely, he is a secret representative of the Faith and Victory Church! 
http://www.fvc.org/

Get rid of him! Quickly, before he taints us! Burn! Burn!

Shadowwolf

[FVC]

What, that's all you found? Google reveals dozens of organisations with my name, some unfathomably bizarre. I mean, a fingerprint verification competition? Fractal vibes dot com? I have no idea what a first vex challenge is, nor what relevance I have to spirometry. Then we've got everything from video rental to cancer treatment to vedic colleges to domestic violence support groups...

Argh! This is too much! Not even I know what it stands for anymore!