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Author Topic: Funny interviews with characters, check this out  (Read 3255 times)

Offline Konrad von Richtmark

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Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2005, 09:53:56 PM »
Konrad: Good evening everyone. As promised, we will be interviewing Grand Theogonist Johann Esmer. Here he comes.

*Esmer walks in, the studio audience boos until sinister stares from two witch hunters silence them*

Konrad: Welcome and good evening, Your Eminence.
Esmer: Sigmar be with you, good sir.
Konrad: Your Eminence, would you mind if I would ask you on a rather touchy subject?
Esmer: No, fire away (whispers to Konrad: As long as it doesn't concern any of my non-existent vices). I have nothing to hide, and have always believed that the Cult of Sigmar shouldn't distance itself from the people, but be open about its doings.

*a guy in the audience stands up, shouts "Hypocrite! Tell us of your affair with Revered Sister Frida". The witch hunters club the protestor down and drag him away*
 
Konrad: Well, Your Eminence, several consecutive polls have revealed that your popularity has plummeted to record-low after the Storm of Chaos. In fact, you happen to be the least popular Grand Theogonist since Michael the Meek suggested that the followers of Chaos should be approached with talk and reason rather than violence.
Esmer: Well, I know I have done a number of unpopular decisions. However, given those choices again, I would do them again without hesitation. I'm a statesman, not some bloody populist politician.
Konrad: I thought you were a spiritual leader.

*4 second pause*

Esmer: Are you suggesting the separation of Church and State?

*The witch hunters stare menacingly in Konrad's general direction*

Konrad: Nonono... let's get on with this. What about the excommunication of Luthor Huss? He is widely regarded as an Imperial hero, with significant support among the lower clergy.
Esmer: Bah, those run-of-the-mill warrior priests look up to anyone with enough zeal, charisma and balls. They fail to see the bigger picture, they know nothing of realpolitik.
Konrad: Realpolitik?
Esmer: Well, what else could I have done than excommunicated him? Seriously, he was killing my close associates. Inciting rebellion. Am I not allowed to kick out one who's crapping in my own house? And, to top it off, he pressed the Emperor himself into handing over the most sacred relic of the Empire to a boy who wouldn't even have had a beard unless Luthor had plundered the coffers of the Cult to afford a plastic operation for the retarded whelp.
Konrad: Seems like being Grand Theogonist is a tough job.
Esmer: Only as tough as you make it. My predecessor Volkmar ignored the heretical problem and went off to die in a blaze of glory, leaving me to clean up the mess he'd left behind. But will anyone remember me for that?
Konrad: Umm, right. However, Luthor isn't the only one who has called for a reformation. Several Imperial scholars think reformation is inevitable, and that the Cult of Sigmar is only worsening the problem by inflexibly ignoring the requests. Perhaps it would be time to take up these questions to open debate in the Cult of Sigmar?
Esmer: Are you sure you don't want to get excommunicated?
Konrad: Uh, okay, nevermind. Thank you for this interview, Your Eminence.
Esmer: Sigmar be with you.
Konrad: Well, that's all for tonight, folks. Next week we will be interviewing a steam tank commander, be sure not to miss it!
The only good thing about 7th ed heads is that they look particularly inbred and superstitious which is perfect for Stirlanders

Offline Imrael

  • Posts: 258
Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #26 on: October 04, 2005, 09:10:35 AM »
Quote
interviewing Grand Theogonist Johann Esmer.


Nice one!  


Quote
maybe this should go to the Library


On this post, it seems a bit un-modest to agree but I do think this could be kept - maybe reformatted as an article in the library?  I'll volunteer for the editing if useful.
People said "smile - things could get worse"
So I did smile
And things did get worse

Offline Dazgrim

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Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #27 on: October 05, 2005, 07:40:29 PM »
These are great! They should be standard reading for anyone joining the site.
Don't hug me I'm British, we only show affection to dogs and horses.

Offline Konrad von Richtmark

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Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #28 on: October 06, 2005, 09:45:27 AM »
*Konrad stands on a battlefield, microphone in hand. The battle has recently ended, corpses being looted while wounded Imperial soldiers are being dragged away to receive medical attention*

Konrad: Welcome back folks! As promised last week, we will now interview a steam tank commander. The army of Talabheim seems to precisely have won the day against the foulsome greenskins, let's go seek out the tank commander.

*Konrad spots the tank in the distance, walking towards it followed by the cameraman. Upon arrival to the tank they see the commanding engineer, covered in soot from the waist upwards, commanding a group of trainee engineers around repairing various damage, swearing and cursing loudly when (more often than not) something goes wrong*

Konrad: Excuse me sir, I was informed I could interview you for our live-TV series. Say hello to the audience, Herr...
Engineer: Guybrush von und zu Schnaabel-Kleinburg
Konrad: Uh, I didn't think anyone could have such a name...
Engineer: Well, do you think it's my real name? It's not like I want everyone to be able to recognize me, with the social stigma this job brings along. Heck, why do you think I didn't bother to wash off this soot?
Konrad: Social stigma? How come?
Engineer: Well, thing is, people have this irrational hostility towards steam tanks. They think it's the weapon of choice of warlords without any sense of honour, who will stoop down to any level to achieve victory. Which makes us look like amoral mercenaries, despite what we do for the Empire. Even the ordinary state infantry sneer at us, for thinking we get away easily due to being surrounded by tons of Imperial steel. Though, I've yet to hear any complaints for coming to aid during those more-than-usual instances when we ram into combat to save the infantry from getting butchered by the enemy.
Konrad: Seems like a tough job being a steam tank commander then. Is it usual for you guys to stay anonymous?
Engineer: You bet. When asked what we do for a living, we usually try expressing it in indirect terms, such as "battlefield engineering" or "innovation test-driving", as I express it. Started doing so when my study trip to Bretonnia almost got me lynched.
Konrad: Bretonnia? What of value could there be to study there?
Engineer: Well, not much, but they've recently invented the terbc... trebc... whatever. This thing throwing rocks better than anything else. It'
s a hazard to our tanks, so I was on a mission for the Imperial Gunnery School to look for structural weaknesses in this thing, to make it easier for our counter-batteries to shut them down.
Konrad: Right. So, shall we take a look at your tank, then?
Engineer: Allright. This is the tank Himmelwagen, manufactured in Nuln in 2521, as part of a bulk order of artillery by the city of Talabheim.
Konrad: Himmelwagen? Never heard of such a steam tank before.
Engineer: ... Well, should you have? We don't have much of an illustrous history yet.
Konrad: Uh, actually, what I meant was, as far as I know there are only nine working steam tanks in existence, all named and well-known.
Engineer: I know they keep telling that there are only nine, but I swear to Sigmar, I saw at least twice that number last time on the annual meeting of the Tankers' Guild. Only nine have come out of the closet but no, there are way more tanks than that, how would you else see them so commonly on our battlefields?
Konrad: Right. On with the show, however. Tell us something about this particular tank.
Engineer: Oh well, we're only standard pattern.
Konrad: Standard pattern?
Engineer: Well, you know, steam gun only.
Konrad: I didn't know there was such a thing as a standard pattern steam tank.
Engineer: Well, not officially, since your general wants the common soldiers to think there is something unique and all-powerful about every tank, and that the lad should be appreciative about having one on his side. But, with the average steam tank buyer being a foppish count incapable to appreciate the subtleties of steam tank armament, he just goes for the soft, reliable option with the steam gun only. A shame really, I've always wanted to blast away with a cannon. My own, private cannon *snif*. Though, I can do without half a dozen of half-arsed idiots making a racket on the roof.
Konrad: Allright, seems like we have it rather well covered. Our viewers sure have a lot to think about and digest after this interview. Is there anything else you want to tell them?
Engineer: Nah, not really, just remember to drive your carts slowly. Not that I'm the one who will suffer if we collide, though *snickers*
Konrad: That's some wise words from steam tank commanding engineer Guybrush von und zu Schnaabel-Kleinburg. Have a nice evening, we will return next week by interviewing Templar Grandmaster Heydrich.
The only good thing about 7th ed heads is that they look particularly inbred and superstitious which is perfect for Stirlanders

Offline Imrael

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Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #29 on: October 06, 2005, 10:03:41 AM »
Nice.  I liked this particularly



Quote
"innovation test-driving",
People said "smile - things could get worse"
So I did smile
And things did get worse

Offline Demonslayer

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Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #30 on: October 06, 2005, 01:57:47 PM »
Quote
just remember to drive your carts slowly. Not that I'm the one who will suffer if we collide, though *snickers*
Though, I can do without half a dozen of half-arsed idiots making a racket on the roof.


 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :clap:

Excellent work, that one!
The rest of you, great job, too! :clap:
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Offline Midaski

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« Reply #31 on: October 06, 2005, 10:28:59 PM »
I have to say that this was a follow up to an earlier piece of speculative fiction:
http://www.warhammer-empire.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8454
but I felt it was a 'character' unlikely to be 'interviewed' by others? :wink:



The Empire Herald.


 Nearly Up the Front
 by
Ace War Correspondent – Hockley Dumpster


Whilst there has been a lull in the fighting, your intrepid reporter has ventured into the baggage train area to try and get a slightly different perspective of our brave soldiers.

Hockley: “I am here with a lady who calls herself Titillating Tasha, and who has been a ‘supporter’ of the Count’s army for a while now – isn’t that correct Tasha?”

Tasha: “Why yes, - it is the least I can do for our brave boys, offer them comfort and kindness, and some relief from the stresses of battle.”

Hockley: “I understand that you are not a lover of the term ‘camp follower’?”

Tasha: “That is true sir, there is nothing ‘camp’ about me – I am all woman, do you doubt these are real?”
Tasha leans forward displaying an ample cleavage.

Tasha: “After a hard day’s fighting our brave troops need to know that they can rest their weary bodies on something soft – like me, and if they need to relax and I am able to help them forget the traumas they have suffered for a few minutes by distracting them with my assets and skills, then I do feel that I am doing my bit for the cause.”

Hockley: “However Tasha I understand you do charge a fee for this comfort?”

Tasha: “Well fee is probably the wrong word – I do have to support myself, and it is quite difficult to keep myself looking attractive, and at my best for the boys, when you are constantly on the move from one battlefield to the next. I tend to refer to it as a maintenance donation.”
 
Hockley: “So Tasha, you must have met all sorts of different troopers – I am sure our readers would appreciate your unique perspective.”

Tasha: “Well you get all sorts – it’s remarkable how much energy some of them still have at the end of a supposedly hard days fighting, fair wear me out some of them can. Those pistoliers particularly, full of themselves about how they charged around the battlefield, and yet them young nobles are quite frisky, and pretty generous too. I do tend to pitch my tent near to the corrals if I can.
The smell of that blackpowder does something for a girl too you know.
Mind you one has to be careful, I got really screwed over by some cannon crewman one dark night, started whispering at the flap of my tent and I smelt the gunpowder, and sort of got carried away, then found the rogue had a only mere groat to offer.”

Hockley: “So you like the riders then?”

Tasha: “Oh no, not all of them – those knightly orders, you have to watch them – the time they take to get that full plate off otherwise they'd chafe all my delicate bits, and even then some of them special Templars, they are into all the special stuff – I tell them to go and see the flagellants.”
 
Hockley: “So Tasha do you ever get to meet the infantry from the front line”

Tasha: “Well yes I used to date a halberdier when I was a young girl, that’s what first took me to following the army.”

Hockley: “How romantic, and what happened to this fine halberdier?”

Tasha: “He was killed - in his first engagement – I was heartbroken, and then one of the regular ‘ladies’ took me to one side and warned me never to fall seriously for a halberdier – they may be proper regular state troops with more of the money, but they never last too long once they get to the real fighting.”

Tasha sighs wistfully: “Same with the spearmen to a lesser extent, they seem to survive a bit longer, I had a ‘regular’ spearman friend for nearly 3 weeks a while back, but they also tend to be a bit poorer, and they ain’t so concerned about their personal hygiene either.
Them Handgunners are a disappointment – they spend hours oiling their weapons, and then it’s all over with a quick bang. The militia guys are much the same, if they’re carrying a crossbow they seem to think they’re clever because they have special bolts, but I find them very unfulfilling, and the archers just lack penetration.”

Then a faint smile appears as Tasha continues: “Swordsmen, I like swordsmen though. Especially those who are experts with their weapons – I know a couple from the Imperial First who are particularly adept at the thrust and counter stroke.”

Tasha sighs again: “They wield their weapons so gracefully it is truly moving.
……….. and as for those Greatswords ……well …………..”

Tasha leans closer: “So Hockley, just how well does this reporting business pay? Have you got somewhere to stay tonight? …………… I’m sure I could find something to keep you warm……
 :shock:
Quote from: Gneisenau
Quote
Metal to Finecast - It is mostly a swap of medium. 

You mean they will be using Ouija boards instead of Tarot cards for their business plans from now on?

Offline HoS

  • Posts: 1865
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Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #32 on: October 06, 2005, 10:51:19 PM »
Midaski, I love it!! You are sure one hell of a funny guy!! If you didn't have a son, I would say that you were a highschooler for sure!!

Anyways, keep writing, it is so funny, I think you should be given the "punniest man award" :wink:
Gave into the WoW.

Offline Konrad von Richtmark

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Re: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #33 on: February 21, 2018, 11:04:23 PM »
I found this old thread by me from way back. I just had to necro it for the benefit and amusement of the younger generation of forum-dwellers  :happy:

Feel free to contribute more  :smile2:
The only good thing about 7th ed heads is that they look particularly inbred and superstitious which is perfect for Stirlanders

Offline Gankom

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Re: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #34 on: February 22, 2018, 12:51:57 AM »
I read this years ago when I was lurking and loved it. Wow, 12 years now.

Offline Mathi Alfblut

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Re: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
« Reply #35 on: February 22, 2018, 04:56:08 PM »
Dear Sigmar, I remember reading that over at Druchii.net or if it was someone who put them up on ulthuan.net/asur.org or whatever the name was back then.

Epic stuff. You never get that fun with the AoS stuff.

Good old times!  :::cheers:::
Oh, and remember GW made it personal, not you!