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Author Topic: The story of Andrea Shyller part 1 : the story so far.  (Read 701 times)

Offline Helborg

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The story of Andrea Shyller part 1 : the story so far.
« on: September 26, 2007, 04:46:23 PM »
The story of Andrea Shyller begins in a small town south of Nuln known as Fredricksburg, born to a loving mother and father who's names were lost in time and Andrea would never speak on their names as it would bring tears to both her eyes and heart. The town of Fredricksburg was a prosperous town and for the first 5 years of Andrea's life she lived happily and was very popular with all of the other children, however, one night there was a dangerous skaven attack and Fredricksburg was all but destroyed, but before Andrea was taken she was sent by horseback in her sleep to the city of Nuln. Her parents came with her but when Andrea's uncle Jerek came out to meet them the city was raided by the same skaven who had attacked Fredricksburg was launching an assult on Nuln. Althought the skaven were defeated and retreated back to their lair on the former town of Fredricksburg Andrea's parents were slain.
     The rest of Andrea's childhood was bad although her uncle loved her and looked after her, he was a poor man and could not save her from the voilence just outside the door. Andrea had blamed Sigmar for her suffering and vowed that she would never forgive him, but, when she became 18 years old on her very birthday she was chased by two men who would probably try to rape her, take her money and kill her. She ran for her life but they cought up with her and pulled her into an ally way but when the suffering was about to begin Sigmar himself apperaed in front of her and smote the two cowards. He then explained to her why she was suffering, it was the forces of evil sensing the power of Sigmar within her. He told her to follow his path.
     And so Andrea followed Sigmar's path from Nuln to all around the empire after meeting several monks and nuns on the way and the Grandmaster Marcus von Fredricksburg a man who she had known for many years although he was a good 30 years older than her, he had also survived the attack on Fredricksburg and had made a order of knights who would liberate it of the skaven and build their chapterhouse on the grounds where it stood. Then an idea popped into Andrea's head: she would help him liberate Fredricksburg and build a chapel to Sigmar there and use it as their chapterhouse.
    The next day they were ready an army of knights, monks and nuns and her commands she would liberate her home town and restore it to it's former glory.

The end...so far


Sanj

i should really pull my trousers up now.  :icon_eek:

Offline Captain Tineal

  • Posts: 2419
  • You will join me or die! Could you do any less?
Re: The story of Andrea Shyller part 1 : the story so far.
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2007, 08:24:31 PM »
That is some pretty good fluff there (I am assuming it is fluff... if not, it is still a good story.)  It shows some improvement from your last writing (not that it was bad, but you're getting better.)

My immediate question is why would this knightly fellow give a peasant girl command of an army.  Not saying it couldn't happen, but I think a stronger reason other than they were in the same place at the same time when something bad happened.  Know what I'm getting at?  Maybe she's had influential religious leaders see her for what she is, and they've helped her to this spot of power at such a young age?  Flesh it out a bit more, it is an important part of making your character more believable.
I don't know what a pisolires is but it sounds like a musical instrument you play with urine...

Offline Wyzer1

  • Posts: 3479
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Re: The story of Andrea Shyller part 1 : the story so far.
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2007, 09:41:51 PM »
I thought it was pretty good  :eusa_clap: The fluff elaborations mentioned by Captain Tineal are things I wouldn't mind knowing too. Otherwise its good. I would recomend proof-reading it a little bit (best way is to read it outloud) There were quite a few run-on sentences that made it a little difficult to read

What did you want us to do? Just read it or were you looking for proof-reading or story help?

Anyways, very cool and I look forward to reading your next piece of work (which as Captain Tineal mentioned your writing is getting better)

BTW, dont forget these are suggestions for helping you evolve in your writing! Dont take any of them the wrong way, if you enjoy it them keep it up!
Long time Wood Elf and Empire player with newly acquired High Elves

Offline Helborg

  • Posts: 669
Re: The story of Andrea Shyller part 1 : the story so far.
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2007, 08:50:44 PM »
That is some pretty good fluff there (I am assuming it is fluff... if not, it is still a good story.)  It shows some improvement from your last writing (not that it was bad, but you're getting better.)

My immediate question is why would this knightly fellow give a peasant girl command of an army. 

Ah yes, this is somming I forgot to mension in my fluff :roll:. Marcus and Andrea's fathr where best of friends. The reason was that they grew up together and when Herr Shyller messed up in becoming a rich, fat merchant in Nuln. Marcus founded his own order of knights this would have been fluff that is quite important and I can't beleave I forget to say that  :eusa_wall:.


Cheers for the help so far.
Sanj
i should really pull my trousers up now.  :icon_eek: