Author Topic: A short story By Me In The Mists and Shadows,  (Read 875 times)

Offline spite

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A short story By Me In The Mists and Shadows,
« on: February 17, 2005, 11:10:26 PM »
Hello I tohught I'd better do a bit of writing as I am in that mood that I just have to do it, so I was doing a bit of scribbling, so any thoughts and comments would be nice. Its barely finished but this is just a starter.

In The Mists and Shadows

After about half an hour into his watch at the east corner of the town Einhardt started to think long and hard about the night ahead as whether or not the orcs from the Red Fang tribe might come back to pillage the town or whether they had gone to another hapless village to slaughter and kill every human within sight. He heard Captain Ranier of the fourth swords division talk of the Red Fang tribe and his scouts had reported that a few wolf riders had been seen in this direction, Einhardt shuddered at the thought of dealing with such vicious and vile creatures there bright white fangs could tear a man to shreds and running would do no good as they are fast and agile beasts capable of taking a head off when facing the wrong direction.
He thought that the town could not withstand another attack by the Red Fang tribe as they usually when they have been driven off they come back with more of them, the last time they attacked the town was prepared but still the garrison suffered many casualties and brave and courageous soldiers died at the hands of these monsters.
He thought to leave the town to its fate at the hands of the orcs, but he is a soldier of the empire and told himself that he is a son of Sigmar and Sigmar would never leave a town to die at the hands of an enemy so nor would he.
Though he felt like telling everyone to leave or be totally slaughtered by the orcs that were bound to come by the end of the night, but that would cause more panic in the townsfolk, who were already scared out of there wits by the previous attacks of the Red Fang tribe. Sad people thought Einhardt never even seen the horrors that he has seen, never heard the screams that he has heard, never smelt the fear in a soldiers eyes when faced by death and never have they felt the sickness of watching your comrades die at your side, never had to stand up to the fiercest, gigantic, puss filled, maggot holed, slimy tentacled, gut wrenching, gore covered foe unimaginable by the likes of which they would die at the slightest glimmer of, sad people thought Einhardt, sad people……

Hope you like.

Offline General Helstrom

  • The Old Ones
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A short story By Me In The Mists and Shadows,
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2005, 10:16:31 AM »
The first thing that jumps out is that, in my opinion, your sentences are too long - it'd be a more comfortable read if you broke them up with the occasional period and dash. There's also some erroneous grammar and spelling in there - and how do you smell the fear in a soldier's eyes? ;)

On the whole, it's a promising excercise in writing - just remember that you usually need to re-read and edit a piece of text several times before you're satisfied with it. As an old teacher of mine used to say - writing is re-writing!
I don't know what Caesar thought when he got to the Ides of March
Don't know what Houdini bought when he went to the store
But I sure do miss the eighties