I like some of the ideas - very much agree with the Defended Obstacle aspect for pikes - but this is leaning too much "Empire" and not enough "Merc."
So general thoughts, from the top...
Paymaster as an option - and the only way for DoW to get a Battle-Standard-Equivalent. Of course, he can't actually take a magic standard. Maybe render his unit Stubborn? Keep the BSB trait, though.
Pikes - lose the +1 Strength thing. 8 pts for light armour, 4 ranks, and a defended obstacle that you carry around with you. Sounds awesome to me, and gives Pikes the ability to negate the Cavalry Lance - and thus perhaps win a combat or two.
Zweihanders, Mercs, & Duellists - these should be one option. A unit of humans with hand weapons; option to skirmish, option for armour/heavy armour, option for pistols OR shields, option for spears, and option for great weapons. Simply called "Mercenaries."
Crossbows - add in options for light/heavy armour and pavises. I like the repeater crossbow.
Light Cav - Add option for crossbows (ie, Tilean horse). Keep the +1 BS and A for champ.
Heavy Cav - switch to "Freelancers." Start with only horse, heavy armour, and lance. Option for shield and barding. Start at 18 pts.
Keep the Light Cannon as a Rare choice. I like the two-for-one Hot Pot. Oh, and give the Light Cannon the option to buy the "Horse Artillery" option.
Drop the Ungols - they're practically mercenaries to the Kislevites, and far too uncommon to be in the DoW list.
Unsure on the Ogre Kingdoms stuff for now.
A few other thoughts.
Bring back the Birdmen! Human profile, armed with light crossbow (ie, bow with armour piercing), and price them at about 15 pts/model.
Characters - what about a more..."multiracial" feel to them? An option for an Orc, Elf, Dwarf, or Human general? An elf, human, or goblin wizard? A human or dwarven paymaster? A human, dwarven, elven, orcish, or even ogre captain?
Along those lines, why not go more multi-racial with the whole list? Hobgoblin wolf riders, Skaven skirmishers, Elven scouts, and Orc fighters could all make an appearance. There's enough room in the Warhammer World to make space for such things; all the mercenaries in Tilea aren't human, after all, and all Dogs of War armies aren't (and shouldn't be!) necessarily Tilean. Or even Estalian.
Final thought for now - a way to work Regiments of Renown. Stop the whole "special write-up for every unit" thing. Make it an upgrade - as follows.
One unit in the army may be upgraded to a Regiment of Renown. The Regiment must have a standard, musician, and champion. At a cost of 35 pts + 2 pts/model, all models in the unit gain +1 to WS and BS. The Champion, in addition, benefits from +1 to WS and BS (in addition to the +1 from being a RoR), +1 S, +1 T, +1 W, +1 I, +1 A, and +1 Ld.