Imperial Artisans => The Imperial Office => Topic started by: Konrad von Richtmark on September 16, 2005, 04:18:14 PM

Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Konrad von Richtmark on September 16, 2005, 04:18:14 PM
This is something I found on druchii.net, and I laughed my ass off several times over:


Got to say it even inspired me to make one myself, here goes:

Konrad: Good evening folks, welcome to the first part of our series of interviews with famous Imperial citizens. Tonight's guest is the renowned heretic Luthor Huss.

*appalus ring in the studio while Luthor walks in, taking a seat diagonally opposite Konrad*

Konrad: So, Mr Huss, what would an arch-heretic such as you be doing in these times?
Luthor: Well, with the Storm of Chaos over and done with and Valten belonging to the annals of Imperial history, I've more or less gone back to the usual.
Konrad: The usual, which is?
Luthor: Well, you know, the usual. Preaching, rousing the rabble, and killing off corrupt clergy. On the way here, beat up Lector Reinhardt Fromm rather badly. He won't be sitting for weeks. Though, I barely got away from the Witch Hunters they sent after me, otherwise you wouldn't be interviewing me now.
Konrad: Right. So, been figting Chaos on the battlefields lately?
Luthor: Fighting Chaos on the battlefields? You have to be kidding me!
Konrad: Uh, wasn't it you who said "Fighting Chaos on the battlefield is the purpose of our cult!" ?
Luthor: Well, don't you think I'd like to? Though, try convincing any sensible Empire general to include me in their army. I'm either ridiculously overpriced or ludicrously underpowered, depending on which you want to look at it.
Konrad: You seem rather sound in my opinion, having EC stats and improved warrior priest abilities all in one model.
Luthor: The same as this new Arch-Lector chap has at a waaaay lower price and the expense of one hero choice less, eh? And being customisable too, for that matter. They put me on this stupid horsey too, to make sure I have to cruise around with knights not really needing my help, while it is the infantry which needs my Ld 9 badly.
Konrad: Actually, the legendary Imperial tactician Graf T.V.I. considers it favourable to let characters leading infantry regiments be mounted.
Luthor: You talking about the guy who keeps his characters cheap and relatively expendable, apart from turning them into fortresses of armour and ward saves to be able to attract and survive massive fire?
Konrad: Umm, yeah.
Luthor: No chance you'll have anyone do that with a 300 pts character with a measly 3+ armour save.
Konrad: Okay, but... don't you have some unique abilities?
Luthor: Yeah, but try auto-breaking anything with fear and US2.

*door cracks open, two witch hunters storm in*

Witch Hunters: Nobody expects the Templars of Sigmar!

*Luthor rises to engage in battle, witch hunters firing their crossbows and locking blades*

Konrad: We will return after a commercial break...
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Imrael on September 19, 2005, 07:49:04 AM
I thought I'd have a try.  Imagine a childrens TV interviewer - maybe vintage Blue Peter for those of us in the UK.

Interviewer - Piece to Camera.
"We're here to meet Captain Sir Bohun of Flanders and his faithful Pegasus "flappy doo".  Come along with me - they're just over here"

Camera turns to see a man in plate armour, helmet under his arm, standing beside a grey Pegasus.  Cut to interviewer, who attempts to shake hands with the Captain but finds the plate gauntlett awkward.

Interviewer.  "Thank you for talking to us today Captain.  Tell me, how long have you been a Pegasus Rider?"
Captain      "Actually, I'm a fairly recent recruit.  A vacancy arose after the tragic death of Captain Trant at the seige of Middenheim."
Interviewer.  "And how about Flappy here?"
Captain.      "As you know, Pegasus' are really very intelligent creatures, and cannot be forced to serve.  I sometimes think he can understand what we say."  (Pegasus nods, in camera shot but unnoticed by interviewer and captain).
Captain.      "Flappy is from a mountain area.  Last winter was particularly hard, and by providing food and shelter, trainers managed to, as it were, recruit him.  He was introduced to me at about 1 year of age, when he was big enough to carry me, at least on the ground, and we have been working on our flying skills ever since."
Interviewer.  "And how high can Flappy carry you?"
Captain       "Not as high or far as you'd think when I'm in armour.  Its more a case of a short hop at about 20-50 feet, land then hop again.  The stories you hear of Pegasus' and other flyers hovering over the battlefield for hours waiting to swoop are from our distant past - the age of the fifth edition, when many things were different."
Interviewer.  "I know that our Bretonnian cousins also use Pegasus' in battle.  How does their approach differ?"
Captain.      "Well, they tend to form small units of knights.  They can contribute to combined charges and take on bigger targets. (I wonder why we dont do that - perhaps its not in the great book of permitted doctrines).  Also, because of their training as skirmishers they can see all round them, whereas we imperial captains are trained from birth to wear a helmet with a narrow visor and never turn our heads while riding - all that fussing about things behind you can make you too flexible and spoil the rigid battle plans we enjoy so much"
Interviewer.  "Can you describe your role in the army"
Captain.      " In an actual battle we are a mobile element which ranges in advance of our lines, doing a variety of roles"    (Pegasus' ears prick up at this, and his head turns attentively towards the captain).
Captain.      "These jobs can include hunting down lone enemy characters and war machine crews"  (Pegasus looks pleased)
Captain.      "Then theres march blocking - deliberately getting close to powerful enemy units to slow their advance"  (Pegasus looks thoughtful)
Captain.      "Of course - theres the bait-and-flee maneuvre.  We deliberately stand where a unit can charge us, then rely on our speed to flee, luring the enemy into position for a counter-charge."  (Pegasus looks very thoughtful).
Interviewer.  "Youre speed will get you out of trouble of course"
Captain.      "Well, it should.  Fleeing's a bit of an uncertain business to be honest - sometimes we dont seen go get going properly, and we never go quite as far as we could if we werent running deperately away from overwhelming force."  (Pegasus is now very thoughtful and standing a little way away from the captain)
Captain.      "Most exciting of all is the tactical charge.  Say, for example, your fighting something really mean like Khorne chosen knights.  We need to keep them away from the guns for as long as possible to let the gunners do their work."   (At the mention of Khorne knights the Pegasus makes a small mess on the grass)
Captain.      "If we cant bait-and-flee them we might charge them from the side or rear.  We're unlikely to kill them, but my armour may allow me to survive the attack.  I'll run for it, and being frenzied they'll chase me away from the battleline."
Interviewer   "Once again, your superior speed allows you to get away."
Captain.       "well, of course Flappy doesnt have any armour, but if he survives their attacks (and gosh those guys are good)  we have a roughly even chance of outrunning them for a while."  (The Pegasus looks up at the clear blue sky, and down at the thin rope tethering him)
Interviewer.   "Wel, thank you very much Captain Sr Bohun, and of course to Flappy"
(Interviewer reaches out to pet the Pegasus, who pulls back hard.  The tether snap, Flappy gallops a short distance across the field then takes off and demonstrates that, when not carrying an armoured knight he can get quite a decent altitude.
Captain       "Oh well, back to the infantry I guess"
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: BAWTRM on September 19, 2005, 09:59:15 AM
Some good stuff there guys.

This just begs for interviews with the other Empire special characters (both official and unofficial), pity I don't really have the time for it.... :(
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Rorrak on September 19, 2005, 10:15:09 AM

The edges of my eyes went moist with laughter. Very funny !
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: boca majstor on September 19, 2005, 10:33:50 AM
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Vann Harl on September 19, 2005, 11:38:02 AM
I'm trying really hard not to laugh out lud otherwise all the people in the office will know i'm not working and think i'm mad!

Absolutly brilliant guys!
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Karl Schimmelfennig on September 19, 2005, 02:46:16 PM
Karl: This is Karl Schimmelfennig, coming to you live from Blackfire Pass, where the local Imperial commander is fighting desperately to repel yet another Orcish incursion. Part of his force includes the not-so illustrious Battle Wizard (Level 1), Jurgen Schmidt, of the Heavens Lore. As you can see, the fighting is still going on, but Jurgen has very nicely agreed to  take time out from his undoubtedly busy schedule, to talk with us today. Jurgen, again, we are most grateful for your company here this afternoon.
Jurgen: Not at all Karl, it's a pleasure to be here. For me, any break from the battlefield is most welcome.
Karl: So I hear. It's not an easy life being a novitiate wizard these days, is it?
Jurgen: Pfft, you're telling me. I mean, when I listen to that old fart Guthren Schwartzhelm...
Karl: Chief Lecturer in Heavens Lore?
Jurgen: One and the same - yeah, I listen to him rambling on, and I find it hard to believe him sometimes. He's always going on about how it used to be so easy to cast our bread and butter spell, 2nd Sign of Amul. I think he's getting forgetful in his dotage - it's definitely harder to make work than he's letting on. Then there's all the times he talks about dropping lightning and thunderbolts on people all the way across the battlefield. I mean really. The range on that spell is 240 yards, tops. None of this "anywhere you can see" crap. But worst of all is when he talks about the comets he used to bring down to earth. To listen to him you'd think they used to level mountains, and leave gigantic smoking craters in the earth. But in reality, it's overrated. Maybe a small dent, at best. But I dropped a smallish sized meteorite on some knights last week and they just ignored it. Made no difference to their armour whatsoever. You don't have to believe me, but I'm telling you, heavens magic has definitely gone downhill. Maybe I should have joined those treehugging lore of lifers...
Karl: Let's get back to you for a moment. What exactly is your role these days, as a novice wizard?
Jurgen: Well, I'd like to say it's as a valued member of the army, warding off foul chaos magiks but I'd be lying. The Electors treat me like shit, and that's the understatement of the century. As it stands at the moment all I'm expected to do is rock up with 2 bits of paper, hide in a forest somewhere and just wait till I hear the Elector Count scream my name. Then I whip out the scrolls, read the words and that's it. Job well done. Do you know how many scrolls I've read out in my career? I see them in my sleep. Always taunting me. It's so degrading. I'm supposed to be a mysterious, aloof figure, to be feared and respected. Instead I'm nothing more than a glorified librarian. They never mentioned that on the recruiting poster...
Karl: But surely you must have something else to do rather than just read out dispel scrolls? You can cast spells, and dispel enemy spells yourself can't you?
Jurgen: Oh please. As if I ever get a chance to do that. Not for want of trying though. I always tell the Electors, "Y'know, I can cast lightning bolts, create storms, bring down comets, shake the heavens themselves..." but no. It's always the same. "No Jurgen, your place is here with the artillery. Make sure they keep firing." So, that's my lot. Hanging round to save the lives of a bunch of itinerant, bucktoothed, inbred peasants who seem intent on trying to blow themselves up. You don't need magic to do that. If those retards just learnt not to spill gunpowder all over the place, or stopped loading up the cannons with dead animals "for a laugh", we wouldn't have misfires in the first place.

I do try my best though - but it's never enough for these Electors these days. Take last month's battle for example. We were attacked by these giant lizards, led by this gigantic blob on a golden throne. He spent the entire battle hoovering around the place blasting magic at everything of ours that moved. Everyone kept yelling at me to do so something to stop it, but how do you stop something like that? It'd be like trying to stop Archaon's horde with a rusty butter knife and a "Sigmar is my Co-Pilot" sticker stuck to your arse. But I did my best. I think I dispelled at least one spell - or he might have decided to stop casting it. I don't know. It's irrelevant anyway - my best is never good enough for these ingrates.
Karl: How do you mean?
Jurgen: Well, get this for example. Late in the day the lizards made one final push. I was standing near the cannon crew, when this enormous bloody dinosaur came belting out of the forest. They panicked and unloaded the cannon at it. For once in their worthless incestuous lives, those bloody peasants actually hit something, but they didn't stop it. It had blood pissing out of its chest, but came on, still bellowing and charging. I didn't want to get impaled by those horns, and I could see the crew wouldn't have time to reload - too busy seeing who could fart the loudest, no doubt. So, I thought, instructions be damned - and I tried to cast a thunderbolt, to finish it off.
Karl: Did it work?
Jurgen: Well, not exactly. You see, I panicked a bit, and completely flubbed the spell. The end result was a demon - A DEMON! tried to take control of my mind.
Karl: My God! That sounds frightful.
Jurgen: Well, through a supreme will of effort, I managed to repel him, but the resulting blast radius as I expelled him from my head...*ahem*...might, possibly, have contributed to the cannon crew...err...dying. And the dinosaur rampaging past me lying on the ground into the rest of the artillery. Before charging into the Elector Count's personal troops, and eating them. Apparently all my fault. Needless to say I haven't worked with that particular Elector Count again.
Karl: So, who are you working for now?
Jurgen: At present I'm working for a local Lord - usual deal, all full of himself, frightfully condescending. I don't mind being called a "scroll caddy" - well, I do, but compared to some of the other names I've been called, it's a definite plus. But yeah, "scroll caddy" is fine, but I resent having to wear his Lordship's name on the back of my shirt, as well as carry his swords to the battlefield. I mean really.
Karl: Well, unfortunately Jurgen, that's all the time we have today, and besides, I think you're needed at the frontline.
Jurgen: What makes you say that?
Karl: The Lord who hired you, him and his troops wear the red and brown livery?
Jurgen: Yeah, that's right. You can't tell when they're bleeding, or when they've had a nervous accident, ha ha ha.
Karl: Well, the Orcs are attacking again, and a gigantic green foot just landed on all the cannons.
Jurgen: Oh shit.
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Demonslayer on September 19, 2005, 03:40:41 PM
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

That last one's excellent!!!

Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Guvnor on September 19, 2005, 06:36:10 PM
I love all these stories!!  :-D  :-D  :-D  :-D  :-D  Encore! Encore! :clap:  :clap:  :clap:  :clap:
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: King of Fighters on September 19, 2005, 08:49:06 PM
Reminds me alot of something that happened over at the Bolter and Chainsword.
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Konrad von Richtmark on September 20, 2005, 12:49:54 AM
And here comes the inevitable...

Konrad: Good evening again, folks. Unfortunately Aldebrand Ludenhof cancelled the interview in the last minute, so there won't be any interview with a famous Imperial citizen tonight. Instead, we will be interviewing the backbone of the Imperial army, the lowly state troops.

*Konrad walks over the drilling ground to a halberdier leaning on his halberd unenthusiastically*

Konrad: Good evening, stalwart halberdier of the Imperial army.
Halberdier: Uh, yeah, whatever...
Konrad: Excuse me, but you seem rather apathetic.
Halberdier: So? Why shouldn't I be?
Konrad: Uh, why would you...
Halberdier: Well, as a matter of fact, I have the most boring job in the whole Empire.
Konrad: Oh, I didn't know that. How come?
Halberdier: Well, first of all, we're the most numerous Imperial state troops. Second, few generals ever bother to bring us to the field. So, with us being in great supply but infinitesimal demand, guess what's the chances of us seeing action?
Konrad: Oh, sounds pretty boring. But why does nobody want you in their army? Not all human troops get S4 attacks, especially not all of the state core infantry.
Halberdier: S4 might sound nice, but actually it is significantly inferior to the double amount of S3 attacks spearmen or free company sport. Even against allegedly tough foes like orcs, as well as nearly anything with less armour than a knight.
Konrad: Right. However, I have some splendid news for you. It is rumoured a war with a nearby Dwarf clan will break out, a foe tough and well-armoured enough for you to be useful.
Halberdier: Oh, please, Sigmar, save me the trouble.
Konrad: ...uh, I thought you wanted to see battle.
Halberdier: I said this job was boring, but I didn't mean I'd like some near-certain death at the battlefield to spice it up. As boring as it is, I'd still rather stay here playing tic-tac-toe with my comrades in arms.
Konrad: What do you mean by certain death?
Halberdier: Well, even if we actually get into a situation where our weapons actually are relatively effective, that doesn't change the fact that we die like flies due to our armour save being utterly shiz compared to the other infantry.
Konrad: Alright. Well, I have to proceed with my interviews. Thank you for your time.
Halberdier: Zzzzzzzzzzz.........

*Konrad walks over the field again, over to a swordsman*

Konrad: Good evening, proud swordsman of the Imperial army.
Swordsman: Well, hello to you.
Konrad: Herr Swordsman, it has come to my attention that Imperial generals favour your troop type in particular, everyone competing for the available swordsmen. How is that, I wonder?
Swordsman: Uh, don't know really. We don't seem to be that special, yet we're popular enough to have to do extra work shifts to fulfil the demand for us. We know how to fence better than most, but other than that, we're just guys with swords and shields.
Konrad: Seems like you must have some uncanny knack for winning combats. What is it you actually do?
Swordsman: Well, nothing special, really. The lads in the front concentrate on parrying the attacks of the enemy, while the lads behind just keep pushing the front rank lads forwards. Occasionally, someone might actually make a swing with a sword, and even kill an odd enemy trooper.
Konrad: Doesn't sound very impressive, I have to admit.
Swordsman: Actually, I feel exactly the same way. Feels like we actually should try to kill the enemy. But when I suggested that we'd take more of an offensive approach, the sarge dismissed and said something about static combat resolution. It all went over my head. I don't know why we're doing this, but it seems to work all right.
Konrad: Right. Thank you for the interview.
Swordsman: You're welcome.

Konrad: That was all for tonight folks. We will return next week with an interview with Grand Theogonist Esmer. Stay tuned!
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Archaon on September 20, 2005, 01:50:50 AM
Bravo, bravo.  :biggriin:
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: valmir on September 20, 2005, 07:05:34 AM
"Tree-hugging lore of lifers".

Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: HoS on September 25, 2005, 10:03:35 PM
I can't believe they locked that thread!! "Oh, Maleketh..." lol
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Konrad von Richtmark on September 26, 2005, 03:16:28 PM
I think the locking came more due to the fact that every Hall of Fame thread over there is locked.

More interviews, people!
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: HoS on September 27, 2005, 05:50:00 PM
ic, i think....
Title: Re: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Melvin the Melvin on October 01, 2005, 02:36:32 PM
Quote from: Konrad von Richtmark
*door cracks open, two witch hunters storm in*

Witch Hunters: Nobody expects the Templars of Sigmar!

That sounds familiar. Oh, right.
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Kyle on October 02, 2005, 12:50:45 PM
Kyle: Welcome to another addition of Empire interview. Tonight we have come all the way to the top, his majesty himself, Emperor Karl Franz. Good evening my liege.

Karl Franz: Good evening.

Kyle: So what have you been doing since the Storm of Chaos?

Karl Franz: Well I have been trying to find out information from my scouts about Crom and the Vampires, but they keep coming back saying that the job is boring and they quit. I'm not sure what it is all about...

Kyle: So what about rebuilding the Empire?

Karl Franz: Yeah that was done very quickly, a few prayers by the Priest and a few Cultists burned here and there and it was as good as new.

Kyle: So are you worried at all that you are getting old now?

Karl Franz: Yes, my stats use to be up there with the big boys, but now I'm getting too old for this. Some times I think I spend too much time on the political side of things.

Kyle: Deathclaw is not one of the favoured Griffons by most Empire generals. Why is this?

Karl Franz: Well I think it has something to do with is but ugliness and the standard Griffons coolness.

Kyle: So when will the people of the Empire know of the real truth about Valten and will you ever send out a crusade to get Snitch?

Karl Franz: Well I have been working on a crusade... Hey wait how do you know about... Guards seize him!

Kyle: Well that is it folks, join me next time as we interview more of the Empire's army...

*Runs away screaming like a little girl...*
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Pido on October 02, 2005, 01:36:33 PM
Quote from: Karl Schimmelfennig
Karl: ...

Jurgen: ...

The fact his name is Jurgen, is probably the most funny thing. Brilliance!
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Hagen_von_Loewenstein on October 02, 2005, 01:47:18 PM
Quote from: Pido

The fact his name is Jurgen, is probably the most funny thing. Brilliance!

Why is this so funny? :-?
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Imrael on October 03, 2005, 07:18:14 AM
A bit long - hope you like it.

Piece to camera by a slightly nerdy science presenter  - think Raymond Baxter for those old/british enough to remember

"Of course, although our loyal state troops, gallant knights and dashing pegasus knights are all crucial to the defence of our realm, there is one element above all  which strikes fear in our enemies and lends confidence to our commanders.  I refer, of course, to that most spectacular of artillery pieces, the Mk VII multi-barrelled medium bore field cannon, popularly known as the Helblaster."

Camera traverses with interviewer, who walks over to a rather well-used looking Helblaster and its crew.  The interviewer walks towards the obvious crew commander, who stands slightly to one side so that we see the left side of his face.  He's middle-aged, slightly portly, in a woollen bobble hat, leather apron over rough shirt and trousers.  He wears a tool belt with a variety of large spanners etc, a noticeably large hammer and a pair of thick leather gloves hanging from it. He has a friendly, but slightly eccentric air.  

Interviewer.  "Viewers, this is gun captain Dybbna, who commands this noble artillery piece.  Hello Captain"

Captain.  (In a fairly strong Ostland accent) "Frydd, please. No formality here eh"  (chuckles)

Interviewer  "Well, Frydd, what can you tell us about this impressive machine?"

Frydd (with great enthusiasm.  His voice is quite loud).   "Well, this is a late model J from Argrad and Muglins foundry in Nuln, made just under 80 years ago.  The barrels are high-purity Brass with steel grebble-collars and this nice embossed flange-badge.  Incidentally, this design of barrel was new then and is still essentially in use today - a considerable advance on the older linear-bored uncollared ones, which were prone to cavitation and progressive failure, and we all know what that means!"

Interviewer looks blank  "Er.."

Frydd.   "BOOM!"  One barrel would fracture during firing and the whole piece would blow itself up.  Doesnt happen anything like so much now"

Interviewer.  "Good.  Well perhaps you could tell.."

Frydd  (Interrupting)  "The gun carriage is later of course, about 30 years old. Some lovely oak in there."

Interviewer (thinking he sees a chance to get in)  "Frydd, I'm sure the viewers would like to hear.."

Frydd  "About the breech and firing mechanism - certainly.  We have here a genuine Haflinger multi-sequence combined breech and primer - one of the finest out if you ask me.  The whole art of these things is to get the barrels firing at the right rate.  Too slow, and the target has time to reacte and get out of the way."

Interviewer  "And too fast?"

Frydd.  "BOOM.  The charge in one barrel back-flashes into the priming pan, setting off the other barrel before the breech lock is closed.  The breech lock safety pin can't hold that amount of pressure, and the whole thing goes sky high."

Interview  (a bit startled)  "Oh.  And does that happen to a Helblaster often?"

Frydd  "Only once"  (laughs jovially).  "Seriously, its not at all common so long as the sequencer is well maintained.  Thats why our lads are so well trained"

Interviewer.  "Perhaps we could meet the lads"

Frydd.  "Well..  - Jurt, come over here please."

A young man with a serious expression comes over and shyly says hello.

Frydd  "Jurt here has been training for 3 months now.  Tell the folk what you've learned, lad"

Jurt  "Well, I started off on preparing the ammunition.  Our ammunition has to be the right size, and very clean.  Otherwise it can jam in the barrel.  Sometimes the charge trying to puch the jammed ball out will be too much for the barrel and "

Jurt and Fred together "BOOM!"  

Jurt.  "And the I learned how to clean and maintain the firing mechanism.  You have to be very careful that the powder channels dont get blocked or wet"

Interviewer.  "That would stop the gun working of course"

Jurt  "Well, if you were lucky, perhaps.  More likely"
Frydd "BOOM!  The buildup of powder would.."

Interviewer interrupts  "And what job to you have now, Jurt?"

Jurt.  "Now, I'm on the unjamming detail.  When the barrels dont all fire, someone has to work out what wrong and clear the jam.  Its a responsible job, because if you make a mistake.."

Frydd  (jovially)  "BOOM!"

Interviewer  (obviously keen to change subject)  "Have you lads been in battle yet?"

Jurt.  "Well, we were at the battle of Gudenheim marsh, when those beastmen attacked.  The general put us on the left flank - said something about denying the ground I think.  Nobody came near us all day"

Frydd  "The thing is, even the best maintained Helblaster is as likely to fail as to work.  The commanders know this, so they dont want to depend on us, but the enemy knows huw much damage we can do, so often they simply avoid our part of the battlefield.  On a good day we dont fire at all, but the army still wins"

Interviewer  "So Frydd, with you long experience, surely you've fired the gun in anger"

Frydd  "Well, one time - down near the Stirland border - we were being attacked by a bunch of undead creeps. Do you know, they had this coach, and I could swear it was an old Martin and Langland body - beautiful condition and everything - really well preserved.  Our cavalry smashed it all to pieces - such a shame."

Interviewer (patiently)  "And you fired the Helblaster at this battle"

Frydd  "Oh yes.  THis swarm of ghouls was coming towards us, so we fired the gun.  It worked beautifully - enough hits to kill them 3 times over I should think.  Only trouble was, there was a big mob of skeletons just behind them we hadnt seen.  Gosh how we ran - I never knew I could move so fast."

Interview.  "You've talked a lot about misfires etc.  Have you ever been near one?"

Frydd  "just once"  He turns his head so we see the right side of his face for the first time.  He has an eyepatch, some vivid scarring and not much hair on that side.

Interviewer  to camera
"Thats all for now folks.  Back to Jenny in the studio for more on the latest research at the college of Light in Altdorf"
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: General Helstrom on October 03, 2005, 07:48:05 AM
Interview (a bit startled) "Oh. And does that happen to a Helblaster often?"

Frydd "Only once" (laughs jovially).

Priceless :-D
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Midaski on October 03, 2005, 08:27:43 AM
Excellent Imrael - got the Raymond Baxter image, my grandad had some photos of him and early video  :roll: ...............

....and as for Frydd .................

Is his 'modern' offspring in charge of a Demolisher, and can we expect a special documentary on the 'Towers of Altdorf'.

Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: FR1DAY on October 03, 2005, 02:55:48 PM
Not sure all the Americans will understand the Frydd bit, but I loved it. Good job.
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: bloodbawler on October 03, 2005, 06:12:01 PM
Hmm, maybe this should go to the Library; well, it's just my thought. I mean, I know it's nonsense, but it's very funny!
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Konrad von Richtmark on October 03, 2005, 09:53:56 PM
Konrad: Good evening everyone. As promised, we will be interviewing Grand Theogonist Johann Esmer. Here he comes.

*Esmer walks in, the studio audience boos until sinister stares from two witch hunters silence them*

Konrad: Welcome and good evening, Your Eminence.
Esmer: Sigmar be with you, good sir.
Konrad: Your Eminence, would you mind if I would ask you on a rather touchy subject?
Esmer: No, fire away (whispers to Konrad: As long as it doesn't concern any of my non-existent vices). I have nothing to hide, and have always believed that the Cult of Sigmar shouldn't distance itself from the people, but be open about its doings.

*a guy in the audience stands up, shouts "Hypocrite! Tell us of your affair with Revered Sister Frida". The witch hunters club the protestor down and drag him away*
Konrad: Well, Your Eminence, several consecutive polls have revealed that your popularity has plummeted to record-low after the Storm of Chaos. In fact, you happen to be the least popular Grand Theogonist since Michael the Meek suggested that the followers of Chaos should be approached with talk and reason rather than violence.
Esmer: Well, I know I have done a number of unpopular decisions. However, given those choices again, I would do them again without hesitation. I'm a statesman, not some bloody populist politician.
Konrad: I thought you were a spiritual leader.

*4 second pause*

Esmer: Are you suggesting the separation of Church and State?

*The witch hunters stare menacingly in Konrad's general direction*

Konrad: Nonono... let's get on with this. What about the excommunication of Luthor Huss? He is widely regarded as an Imperial hero, with significant support among the lower clergy.
Esmer: Bah, those run-of-the-mill warrior priests look up to anyone with enough zeal, charisma and balls. They fail to see the bigger picture, they know nothing of realpolitik.
Konrad: Realpolitik?
Esmer: Well, what else could I have done than excommunicated him? Seriously, he was killing my close associates. Inciting rebellion. Am I not allowed to kick out one who's crapping in my own house? And, to top it off, he pressed the Emperor himself into handing over the most sacred relic of the Empire to a boy who wouldn't even have had a beard unless Luthor had plundered the coffers of the Cult to afford a plastic operation for the retarded whelp.
Konrad: Seems like being Grand Theogonist is a tough job.
Esmer: Only as tough as you make it. My predecessor Volkmar ignored the heretical problem and went off to die in a blaze of glory, leaving me to clean up the mess he'd left behind. But will anyone remember me for that?
Konrad: Umm, right. However, Luthor isn't the only one who has called for a reformation. Several Imperial scholars think reformation is inevitable, and that the Cult of Sigmar is only worsening the problem by inflexibly ignoring the requests. Perhaps it would be time to take up these questions to open debate in the Cult of Sigmar?
Esmer: Are you sure you don't want to get excommunicated?
Konrad: Uh, okay, nevermind. Thank you for this interview, Your Eminence.
Esmer: Sigmar be with you.
Konrad: Well, that's all for tonight, folks. Next week we will be interviewing a steam tank commander, be sure not to miss it!
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Imrael on October 04, 2005, 09:10:35 AM
interviewing Grand Theogonist Johann Esmer.

Nice one!  

maybe this should go to the Library

On this post, it seems a bit un-modest to agree but I do think this could be kept - maybe reformatted as an article in the library?  I'll volunteer for the editing if useful.
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Dazgrim on October 05, 2005, 07:40:29 PM
These are great! They should be standard reading for anyone joining the site.
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Konrad von Richtmark on October 06, 2005, 09:45:27 AM
*Konrad stands on a battlefield, microphone in hand. The battle has recently ended, corpses being looted while wounded Imperial soldiers are being dragged away to receive medical attention*

Konrad: Welcome back folks! As promised last week, we will now interview a steam tank commander. The army of Talabheim seems to precisely have won the day against the foulsome greenskins, let's go seek out the tank commander.

*Konrad spots the tank in the distance, walking towards it followed by the cameraman. Upon arrival to the tank they see the commanding engineer, covered in soot from the waist upwards, commanding a group of trainee engineers around repairing various damage, swearing and cursing loudly when (more often than not) something goes wrong*

Konrad: Excuse me sir, I was informed I could interview you for our live-TV series. Say hello to the audience, Herr...
Engineer: Guybrush von und zu Schnaabel-Kleinburg
Konrad: Uh, I didn't think anyone could have such a name...
Engineer: Well, do you think it's my real name? It's not like I want everyone to be able to recognize me, with the social stigma this job brings along. Heck, why do you think I didn't bother to wash off this soot?
Konrad: Social stigma? How come?
Engineer: Well, thing is, people have this irrational hostility towards steam tanks. They think it's the weapon of choice of warlords without any sense of honour, who will stoop down to any level to achieve victory. Which makes us look like amoral mercenaries, despite what we do for the Empire. Even the ordinary state infantry sneer at us, for thinking we get away easily due to being surrounded by tons of Imperial steel. Though, I've yet to hear any complaints for coming to aid during those more-than-usual instances when we ram into combat to save the infantry from getting butchered by the enemy.
Konrad: Seems like a tough job being a steam tank commander then. Is it usual for you guys to stay anonymous?
Engineer: You bet. When asked what we do for a living, we usually try expressing it in indirect terms, such as "battlefield engineering" or "innovation test-driving", as I express it. Started doing so when my study trip to Bretonnia almost got me lynched.
Konrad: Bretonnia? What of value could there be to study there?
Engineer: Well, not much, but they've recently invented the terbc... trebc... whatever. This thing throwing rocks better than anything else. It'
s a hazard to our tanks, so I was on a mission for the Imperial Gunnery School to look for structural weaknesses in this thing, to make it easier for our counter-batteries to shut them down.
Konrad: Right. So, shall we take a look at your tank, then?
Engineer: Allright. This is the tank Himmelwagen, manufactured in Nuln in 2521, as part of a bulk order of artillery by the city of Talabheim.
Konrad: Himmelwagen? Never heard of such a steam tank before.
Engineer: ... Well, should you have? We don't have much of an illustrous history yet.
Konrad: Uh, actually, what I meant was, as far as I know there are only nine working steam tanks in existence, all named and well-known.
Engineer: I know they keep telling that there are only nine, but I swear to Sigmar, I saw at least twice that number last time on the annual meeting of the Tankers' Guild. Only nine have come out of the closet but no, there are way more tanks than that, how would you else see them so commonly on our battlefields?
Konrad: Right. On with the show, however. Tell us something about this particular tank.
Engineer: Oh well, we're only standard pattern.
Konrad: Standard pattern?
Engineer: Well, you know, steam gun only.
Konrad: I didn't know there was such a thing as a standard pattern steam tank.
Engineer: Well, not officially, since your general wants the common soldiers to think there is something unique and all-powerful about every tank, and that the lad should be appreciative about having one on his side. But, with the average steam tank buyer being a foppish count incapable to appreciate the subtleties of steam tank armament, he just goes for the soft, reliable option with the steam gun only. A shame really, I've always wanted to blast away with a cannon. My own, private cannon *snif*. Though, I can do without half a dozen of half-arsed idiots making a racket on the roof.
Konrad: Allright, seems like we have it rather well covered. Our viewers sure have a lot to think about and digest after this interview. Is there anything else you want to tell them?
Engineer: Nah, not really, just remember to drive your carts slowly. Not that I'm the one who will suffer if we collide, though *snickers*
Konrad: That's some wise words from steam tank commanding engineer Guybrush von und zu Schnaabel-Kleinburg. Have a nice evening, we will return next week by interviewing Templar Grandmaster Heydrich.
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Imrael on October 06, 2005, 10:03:41 AM
Nice.  I liked this particularly

"innovation test-driving",
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Demonslayer on October 06, 2005, 01:57:47 PM
just remember to drive your carts slowly. Not that I'm the one who will suffer if we collide, though *snickers*
Though, I can do without half a dozen of half-arsed idiots making a racket on the roof.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :clap:

Excellent work, that one!
The rest of you, great job, too! :clap:
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Midaski on October 06, 2005, 10:28:59 PM
I have to say that this was a follow up to an earlier piece of speculative fiction:
but I felt it was a 'character' unlikely to be 'interviewed' by others? :wink:

The Empire Herald.

 Nearly Up the Front
Ace War Correspondent – Hockley Dumpster

Whilst there has been a lull in the fighting, your intrepid reporter has ventured into the baggage train area to try and get a slightly different perspective of our brave soldiers.

Hockley: “I am here with a lady who calls herself Titillating Tasha, and who has been a ‘supporter’ of the Count’s army for a while now – isn’t that correct Tasha?”

Tasha: “Why yes, - it is the least I can do for our brave boys, offer them comfort and kindness, and some relief from the stresses of battle.”

Hockley: “I understand that you are not a lover of the term ‘camp follower’?”

Tasha: “That is true sir, there is nothing ‘camp’ about me – I am all woman, do you doubt these are real?”
Tasha leans forward displaying an ample cleavage.

Tasha: “After a hard day’s fighting our brave troops need to know that they can rest their weary bodies on something soft – like me, and if they need to relax and I am able to help them forget the traumas they have suffered for a few minutes by distracting them with my assets and skills, then I do feel that I am doing my bit for the cause.”

Hockley: “However Tasha I understand you do charge a fee for this comfort?”

Tasha: “Well fee is probably the wrong word – I do have to support myself, and it is quite difficult to keep myself looking attractive, and at my best for the boys, when you are constantly on the move from one battlefield to the next. I tend to refer to it as a maintenance donation.”
Hockley: “So Tasha, you must have met all sorts of different troopers – I am sure our readers would appreciate your unique perspective.”

Tasha: “Well you get all sorts – it’s remarkable how much energy some of them still have at the end of a supposedly hard days fighting, fair wear me out some of them can. Those pistoliers particularly, full of themselves about how they charged around the battlefield, and yet them young nobles are quite frisky, and pretty generous too. I do tend to pitch my tent near to the corrals if I can.
The smell of that blackpowder does something for a girl too you know.
Mind you one has to be careful, I got really screwed over by some cannon crewman one dark night, started whispering at the flap of my tent and I smelt the gunpowder, and sort of got carried away, then found the rogue had a only mere groat to offer.”

Hockley: “So you like the riders then?”

Tasha: “Oh no, not all of them – those knightly orders, you have to watch them – the time they take to get that full plate off otherwise they'd chafe all my delicate bits, and even then some of them special Templars, they are into all the special stuff – I tell them to go and see the flagellants.”
Hockley: “So Tasha do you ever get to meet the infantry from the front line”

Tasha: “Well yes I used to date a halberdier when I was a young girl, that’s what first took me to following the army.”

Hockley: “How romantic, and what happened to this fine halberdier?”

Tasha: “He was killed - in his first engagement – I was heartbroken, and then one of the regular ‘ladies’ took me to one side and warned me never to fall seriously for a halberdier – they may be proper regular state troops with more of the money, but they never last too long once they get to the real fighting.”

Tasha sighs wistfully: “Same with the spearmen to a lesser extent, they seem to survive a bit longer, I had a ‘regular’ spearman friend for nearly 3 weeks a while back, but they also tend to be a bit poorer, and they ain’t so concerned about their personal hygiene either.
Them Handgunners are a disappointment – they spend hours oiling their weapons, and then it’s all over with a quick bang. The militia guys are much the same, if they’re carrying a crossbow they seem to think they’re clever because they have special bolts, but I find them very unfulfilling, and the archers just lack penetration.”

Then a faint smile appears as Tasha continues: “Swordsmen, I like swordsmen though. Especially those who are experts with their weapons – I know a couple from the Imperial First who are particularly adept at the thrust and counter stroke.”

Tasha sighs again: “They wield their weapons so gracefully it is truly moving.
……….. and as for those Greatswords ……well …………..”

Tasha leans closer: “So Hockley, just how well does this reporting business pay? Have you got somewhere to stay tonight? …………… I’m sure I could find something to keep you warm……
Title: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: HoS on October 06, 2005, 10:51:19 PM
Midaski, I love it!! You are sure one hell of a funny guy!! If you didn't have a son, I would say that you were a highschooler for sure!!

Anyways, keep writing, it is so funny, I think you should be given the "punniest man award" :wink:
Title: Re: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Konrad von Richtmark on February 21, 2018, 11:04:23 PM
I found this old thread by me from way back. I just had to necro it for the benefit and amusement of the younger generation of forum-dwellers  :happy:

Feel free to contribute more  :smile2:
Title: Re: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Gankom on February 22, 2018, 12:51:57 AM
I read this years ago when I was lurking and loved it. Wow, 12 years now.
Title: Re: Funny interviews with characters, check this out
Post by: Mathi Alfblut on February 22, 2018, 04:56:08 PM
Dear Sigmar, I remember reading that over at Druchii.net or if it was someone who put them up on ulthuan.net/asur.org or whatever the name was back then.

Epic stuff. You never get that fun with the AoS stuff.

Good old times!  :::cheers:::