Topic: My list of hatred, sarcasm and bad puns

[shavixmir]

Nice people come a dime a dozen. There's nothing wrong with nice people though, but let's be honest:

Darth Vader was WAY cooler than Luke Skywalker.

Now, many people argue the case for playing this army or playing that army. And they have every right to do so.
I could too. But I'm not.
I want to argue the case for NOT playing an army.

And why stick at one army? Why not give them all a bashing? They deserve it (and if they don't, they deserve to deserve it)!

So, wallowing in my hatred, swimming in my sarcasm and hiding my head in shame at the gob(bo)-awful puns I'm about to make...I present you:

My reasons for not playing an army!

Tomb Kings:
The first thing that comes to mind when I think about Tomb kings is that they can't be very good warriors. I mean...if they ended up in the tomb in the first place, what are the chances they're gonna be successful once they've been excavated?
Na, I don't believe them to be very effective, first sign of battle and they'll go running to their mummies... (yup...that probably sets the tone for the rest of this post....)

Goblins and Orcs:
Have you ever had a really bad cold? If so, then you'll know that snot comes in all sizes. And that's what this army is: snot in different sizes. Their list of weapons is amazing: Bad breathe, flying gobbos and their cavalry ride around on pigs.
Yeah, Julius may well have admired the use of the porcus singularis, but even he'd agree they're better off eaten.

If I had to play with them, I'd paint them all little red hats and give them fishing poles.

Vampire counts:
An anorexic army if ever I saw one. I figure anybody playing with hem should be forced to sing: "Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones." Yeah! And they have to do a little jig while they're at it!
I figure this is the second most attractive army for nerds: "Look at my Vampire Lord! 10 S8 attacks, undead, fear causing, flying with 23 wounds."
Yeah? Well, I just ate a MASSIVE kebab with a LITER of garlic sauce on it. How you like that then? (And breathe into his face).

Uh. Sorry. Lost track of my quest there. It just goes to show the pure emotions, turmoiling inside of me as I write.
You know? Some people have minor peeves and other folks sometimes suffer from petty annoyances, but I suffer from major psychotic hatreds!!!!! Bush, Blair, Balkenende (George, Tony and Peter-John as I normally refer to them), Iraq, Terrori..oops...off topic. Sorry, just can't get myself under control this evening!

Lizard men:
Right! I so want to play with a green and slimy army.
"Yes. But we ride around on dinosaurs."
Sure! They are extinct though aren't they? Yeah. So you're living in the past pal!
Oh. And that lord of yours looks like the fat frog from that Paul McCartney song.
"Pom di pom...la die laaaa....pom di pom...."

Chaos:
The main reason I don't want to play with chaos has to do with the countries the individual gods represent.
"Huh?"
Yes. You can see national tendencies through the Chaos Gods...bare with me...

Tzeentch: India. Lots of magic, long flowing robes, hallucinogenic drugs (otherwise there's no way anybody would look like that) and bright colours.

Slaanesh: England or Thailand. Loads of attractive and willing females. But riddled with evil (I'm thinking VD here).
Is this racism? I don't know. But I'm pretty darned certain I've lost any chances of getting laid in either of these countries...

Nurgle: Probably any random third world nation. Specifically I'd say Eritrea, but that's just because it sounds so cool.

Khorne: The US. Aggressive, simple, to the point and way too powerful in comparison with anything else about. Sadly it keeps losing to subtlety and tact.

Anyway, none of these countries basically appeal to the warlord in me.
Now...if they made the Chaos God Bacchus, I'd be down the shop (or the temple as we call it), chucking my empire in the bin and buying the Molotov cocktail throwers and the Booze-tank.
But they're not, so I ain't.
Besides, Bacchus isn't a nation. But...BUT...if he was, I'd be there. Holland is probably the next best thing though.

Elves:
High elves, low elves, dark elves, light elves, wooden elves, fairies and what not. I don't know. I just have this feeling these armies were made to attract more females into fantasy battle gaming.
Alas, it seems to have failed. It has just allowed a generation of gamers to get in touch with their feminine side.
Now, don't get me wrong here. There's nothing wrong with accessing the woman inside of you. Not at all.
I just think that if you have to do that by playing a game you're in need of psychiatric treatment. (more so than if you say, wanted a sex-change or something).

Bretonnians
Exactly the same as the Empire! Well, besides the small fact that they don't have flagellants. Oh, and they don't have steam tanks. Ah yes: They don't have mortars, cannons or hell blaster volley guns either. Indeed, they don't even have hand gunners or strong infantry blocks. So, basically, all they've got are knights.
Now, once again, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with knights. 1 unit is cool. 2 units are cooler still. 3 units are pushing your army to the brink of actually still being effective. Any more is just pure insanity!
I bet that the majority of Bretonnian players are ex-elf players who missed one group-therapy-session too many...

Beastmen
I know, I know, I should have handled these with the chaos dudes. The thing is though; this army is so tragic that it needs special mentioning. Obviously I wouldn't go out of my way to write a separate paragraph if I didn't feel it was really necessary.
But there you go.

Dwarfs
Everyone has heard of the guy with the Ferrari having such a great car to compensate for other, less well endowed, matters...
Now, someone once sprang the theory that dwarf players play with dwarfs because they are SO VERY WELL ENDOWED in other regions, that they don't need giants or steam tanks or uber-magic to compensate for anything!
Well let me ask you then...why do they need runes to keep from misfiring then? Yes...they might be roaming the mountainside on three legs, but one of them certainly seems dysfunctional to me...


So, there you go. I've shot my load, spewed my gall and, more likely than not, spoiled the broth!

But, shucks*, I feel a lot better for doing so!
Party on!

* Yeah, I know, the swearing isn't up to standards, but don't blame me; blame the rooster.

[BAWTRM]

Bush, Blair, Balkenende (George, Tony and Peter-John as I normally refer to them),

Don't you mean John-Peter? Our very own Harry Potter lookalike?

BTW, you forgot to mention queek's other army.

[shavixmir]

Well. Well, well, well, well...well.

Imagine that! I forgot the rats...

Skaven
*insert hysterious laughter*

'nough said, the better!

[jlutin]

Well. Well, well, well, well...well.

Imagine that! I forgot the rats...

Skaven
*insert hysterious laughter*

'nough said, the better!

Rats?  Bah, just a story to scare the kids at night.  No such thing that I have ever seen.

[Sigmar's Instrument]

lol @ the Brettonian comment...the Bret guy that plays is also a DE player.

[queek]

Well. Well, well, well, well...well.

Imagine that! I forgot the rats...

Skaven
*insert hysterious laughter*

'nough said, the better!

Rats?  Bah, just a story to scare the kids at night.  No such thing that I have ever seen.

misidentified Beastmen.  totally.

[Clarkarias]

You're chaos countries are to the T...perfect.  

Skaven may be misidentified beastmen (shaped by chaos) let's just hope they never become part of the chaos army.  A Chaos army can already field everything and it's mother outside of warmachines, but giving them ratling guns?  Good Grief  

[jturner]

there's attractive women in england? I thought they didn't believe in dentists there  

[Sigmar Heldenhammer]

V. funny!  Like the Choas one!

[Hagen_von_Loewenstein]

We have a saying around here:

Nobody gives a sh*t about Your complaints

Still, it's kinda fun to read it... just try to cut down on commonplaces like that "Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker"-topic...

@ jturner: That was my first thought on that comment too!

[Clarkarias]

Darth Vader IS way cooler than Luke Skywalker

I'd have to agree.  I also usually agree with Lord Helmet "Now you see, that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb"  They usually make the good side seem like ideots in a lot of movies, so the bad guys are always cooler (except for anything with Arnold and some of the James Bond movies)

[Albrecht von Hinkel]

Love your TK comments.

[Omnissah]

*breath* *breath* Luke... *breath*, I am your father *breath*


Well, what do you think of my imitation??
        8)  

[The Village Idiot]

Since you are on a little rant...I'll chime in with some general annoyances of my own. However, I'll focus on my opponent's shortcomings rather than the various armies they choose to push about.

The "Toucher"
The guy who reaches over and grabs a fistful of your miniatures to admire the paint job without asking first...this is the same guy that will have melted chocolate on his fingers from his latest snack. He also will not place them back where they were.

The "Thinker"
This is the guy that takes FOREVER to make his moves, figure out what spell he wants to cast first, consider the pros and cons of every charge declaration etc. He basically will turn a nice 3 hour game into an all night affair. What is worse, is that "The Thinker" is usually a less-than-average player, and will often be losing the game, which only makes him think longer and harder as the game goes on. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry.

The "Fudger"
This gentleman moves his troops, then moves them back, then wheels them forward, then changes his mind and moves them into single line formation, then ranks them up again. When he is finally satisfied with his troop's position, you mention that his infantry unit is now 20" from where it began it's move. He quickly apologizes, moves the troops back to where he began, and commences the same machinations again.

The "Team Player"
This is the player who seems like a likeable fellow unitl it is his first turn, then from all over the club, "Friends" appear and begin advising him on his strategy, they huddle together away from the table with lots of murmuring and muttering until your opponent announces that "Our Chariot will charge your pistoliers, and our screamers will overfly your free company. You announce that your pistoliers will stand and shoot, and your opponent dives into his team huddle again accompanied by murmurings and mutterings again.

The "Math Professor"
This guy NEVER has a written list. He just keeps plopping down troops until they stretch from one end of the table to another. When you ask him questions such as "How many figures are in this army of yours" he replies with highly mathematical answers such as "alot". When you ask him how many points his army list is, he replies with "How many points is yours". Whatever you answer, he will say "That's what mine is." Somehow he has found a way to get 48 units onto the board using the chaos math theory. When you finally sit down to point-up his army, it will be rroughly double the points cost of yours.

The "Rock Lobber"
This is the guy who likes to roll his dice, by throwing them so that they ricochet off of your best painted troops. This action is often accompanied by him making machinegun sound effects.

The Village Idiot

[Kaz]

sir idiot, I think you missed a few

The stubborn rules master:
This guy is 100% sure that he is the person in the world that knows the rules the best, even though he often is corrected. He will, when you find a rules mistake on his part, discuss it for 20 whole minutes, even though you find the rule in question for him, when you finally give up and gets a judge he will start discussing with the judge, until this judge gets another judge, which finally say that the story stops, he is wrong. After this he will (automatically) be extremely angry the rest of the game.

The skilled diceroller:
This guy will always claim that whatever he does it’s skill, not luck, even when he on long range with 10 skinks that has moved kills four chaos knights. And he will always refuse that you can have been such a thing as unlucky, it’s pure lack of skills.

[Albrecht von Hinkel]

The "Math Professor"
This guy NEVER has a written list. He just keeps plopping down troops until they stretch from one end of the table to another. When you ask him questions such as "How many figures are in this army of yours" he replies with highly mathematical answers such as "alot". When you ask him how many points his army list is, he replies with "How many points is yours". Whatever you answer, he will say "That's what mine is." Somehow he has found a way to get 48 units onto the board using the chaos math theory. When you finally sit down to point-up his army, it will be rroughly double the points cost of yours.

This reminds me of 1 person in my local store (although I doubt that he's a match professor). He had a unit of 20(!) screamers. First turn. He moves the first screamer of the formation 20" forward. Then move the second sreamer about 22" so he flies past the first model. And so he continues. And when you have pointed out that your screamers have suddenly moved around 40" he simply says; "If the first one can reach then all the others can so why bother measuring. Think!". And he continued moving his 40(!, this guys a wacko) horrors.

[Clarkarias]

The "Toucher"
The "Thinker"
The "Fudger"

I have a friend that is all three of these.  Good think he doesn't have an army anymore and only plays very seldom (using my troops, but atleast my troops aren't very well painted yet.

The "Team Player"

It's not just that a person is like that, it also depends on who you play against.  I imagine not many people defeat you Mr Ideot so they try and collaberate to get a victory.  But 2 or more heads aren't always better than 1.

The "Math Professor"

Almost every person that plays at the games store in my hometown is like this.  That's why I've pretty much boycotted the place.  *sigh*

The "Rock Lobber"
The Village Idiot

I can put up with this if it's by accident, but more than once in a game and sportsmanship scores will start to plumit.  Probably on my side as I start screaming.

The stubborn rules master

I don't find many of these because I"m the resident rules 'guru' where I live so people will most often defer.  But since being on this site, I've found that I may need a tune up.

The skilled diceroller:

Thats why I've stopped playing the youngest boy in the group.  He'll gloat to no end if he does win, and it's all based on the fact he rolls like a god (how often will people actually get all 21 hits on a Ratling Gun   )

[Karl Schimmelfennig]

The 3 guys I play with told me of this absolute nob of a person called Marshall - I did know him, but never got to play him in Warhammer before he moved to Melbourne, thank god - but I did know he was a cheater.

When they all started out in Warhammer, only Marshall had experience. So he kept making up his own rules, and fudging his army list. Once my friends got some experience in the game, and began calling him on his cheating, he stopped playing. Since he couldn't cheat and make up his own rules, he didn't want to play.

His favourite trick was to declare a charge, measure it, and if it was close, move all his boys in before the other guy could measure the distance. He was also a fan of deliberately underguessing his siege weapon shots to shoot into combats he was losing.

Why adults would want to cheat, do gamesmanship or just generally be dodgy in a game like this is beyond me.

[bigrin42]

Umm...I didn't see the SCOOPER.  You know, the guy who rolls a handful of dice and then quickly scoops them back into his dice box and declares "all 6s"!

[Jack of Spades]

the stubborn rules master = the "besserwisser"

[shavixmir]

LUXURY...

You want to whinge? I'll show you what whinging is all about!!!!

The skilled diceroller:

What about the opposite? The person who forever blames dice for losing battles, games, conflicts, clashes, encounters and engagements... (yes, I'm at home with my trusted thesaurus....)

Obviously it has nothing to do with playing like crap, it's just the luck of the dice....EVERY SINGLE GAME?

And nobody has mentioned THE STINKER yet...
I do remember ranting about nerds with a pong before, but it may have been over at Bugman's...
What is it with swotty, spotty, nerdy teenagers which:
A: makes them smell like tramps running a marathon in an over-crowded, heated room?
B: leaves them girlfriendless?

If you're so bloody smart, add 1 and 1 together....you decrepit, pointless excuse for an excrutiantingly bad smell....

Seriously: I've worked on battlefields, refugee camps and sewers; I've slept in Rotterdam central station, I've slept in Victoria station London and I've been stranded at JFK amongst fat sweaty Bulgarian tourists; I've trodden in more dog poo than your average dog poo fetishist...BUT NEVER....no, NEVER have I encountered such smells as around a warhammer battle table in a games workshop.

Why doesn't someone tell them to shower and change their underwear? Well... the next time I'm in a Games Workshop....that's gonna be my mission:

"HEY YOU! stop conversing with those putrid friends, you sad sack full of elephant dung....TAKE A SHOWER! USE SOAP AND PUT ON FRESH UNDIES...."

Smug smilers really get on my mammary protuberances as well!
One leg slightly afore the other; one hand on a (smelly) hip; hip slanted to one side; head slanted to the other side; pouched lips in a slanted smile; the eyes telling you he told you so.

DIE!!!!

And if they dare nod their head at the same time, they are really just asking me to stamp on them.

And what about "tsk'ers"?
You know, when you make your move they turn to their friends (all extruding that god-awful fetid stench) and they "Tsk" you.
THEN all those friends either "tsk" you too or they turn into smug smilers or even worse they shake their heads with pursed lips, like they're watching Homer Simpson jump a canyon on Bart's skateboard.



Needless to say I'm not very popular in my local game shop.

[Karl Schimmelfennig]

I can't imagine why.  

I would also like to add another type of player, the Juvenile.

This child is usually about 14 or 15, and has a part time job. All proceeds of said job go towards amassing his army of figurines - usually an army "that looks cool and is super powerful so it pwns" - which is why you most often see them manipulating a vast array of Skaven.

The figures usually have shoddy paintjobs, and look very rushed. The juvenile is also unable to appreciate that warhammer is a game, and like all games, it has rules. That's why you'll see he him rant and rave like hell whenever his Ratling Gun blows up after 4 dice, his Warp Lightning gun blows up, his strongest unit fails a breack check and gets chased down by one Captain on a Pegasus, etc etc.

Not a lot of fun to play against.

[Clarkarias]

And nobody has mentioned THE STINKER yet...
I do remember ranting about nerds with a pong before, but it may have been over at Bugman's...
What is it with swotty, spotty, nerdy teenagers which:
A: makes them smell like tramps running a marathon in an over-crowded, heated room?
B: leaves them girlfriendless?

Try playing games at a comic book store Mr. Shavixmir.  It is a million time worse than a GW store.  You get the 30 year old men that are working at Wendy's and living in their parents basement coming in and watching you move your troops while oggling over the newest issue of Stripperella.  If I ever turn out like that, someone smack me across the head with the butt end of a hochland long rifle.

[Calvin]

If I ever turn out like that, someone smack me across the head with the butt end of a hochland long rifle.

how about I just shoot you with it

[GT]

how about I just shoot you with it

Nah you'd miss.  Hochland's aren't reliable enough, but if you aimed three at him you might have a chance

Cheers,

GT
tDoW